Category: Uncategorized

Listen All Y’all It’s a Sabotage

As of November 1st, I’ll be without home, already living from my backpack I’m taking to Europe with me. I work the NYC Marathon until the 8th of November. From there I’ll go to New Jersey to spend time with all my Aunts. On the 20th I’ll come back up, find a place to stay and say good bye to New York for a year. On the 24th of November, I fly one way to Barcelona where I’ll be through the end of November into December.

So, yeah, I understand that it’s a dumb idea to do NaNoWriMo again this year. But I feel like I haven’t written anything fun since LAST NaNoWriMo and I’m aching to just fantasize about stuff.

Is this considered self sabotage? Cause I can’t tell.

After posting last Friday, I promptly went and got severely drunk, danced until 3:30am, and then snuggled into bed with a burrito at four.

So, it wasn’t, like, a great start…

I did wear the too-small pants I need to fit in out dancing. I couldn’t sit, or bend and was afraid I’d split them the entire time, but I didn’t. I wore the pants all night.

So, yeah they still don’t fit

Life felt lonely with Myles being gone (he came home Friday THANK GOD) and the looming emptiness of being alone for year. It’s hard to know how to behave. I want to baby myself, which often means wine and comfort food. I also want to be hardened, militant to save myself from the other option.

I know life is balance, but in what quantities do you balance nurturing and productivity when both of them seem like an act against the other?

Blerg. As far as showing my weaknesses, I guess I feel like I talk a lot but never really spit out what I’m feeling.

So here is as good a place as any; I’m afraid. I’m afraid Europe will be too much like New York, an empty sort of feeling. I’ve spent two years describing myself to new people only to realize I’m just saying things. I don’t know if any of the things I actually tell people are truths about me.

I’m afraid that I won’t find community abroad, just like I didn’t find community here. I love all my friends deeply, but I don’t feel the warmth of, say, the Coven back home. Years of institutional knowledge of each other.

I’m afraid I’ll leave New York and have a sigh of relief. I love it here, and I honestly can’t tell you why. Am I going to leave just to look back and realize I hate it here?

Either way, what’s coming will come. And I have no doubts at all that it’ll blow my mind. That, I’m not afraid of. I love adventure, I love newness, and I’m pumped as fuck to be wild. Sometimes I love being me.

A lot of the things left for Volume Two are really boring and not worth writing about. So it’s gonna have to get weird. Or, at least, I’m gonna make it weird to entertain myself. For example; “Always tell the truth.”

I’ve been putting this off because I imagine it’s going to actually ruin my life… I don’t lie often, but I’m a smart ass, and a dumb ass and have learned to just keep my thoughts to myself because of those two things.

If I do this project this week, during week of event, I might be burned at the stake.

Which is a good reason to do anything.

Valerie and Her Week of Wonder

So, hell, let’s do it. Let’s get honest. Does it count if I preface things with, “Do you really want to know the truth?” Or, “I would advise you to not ask my opinion.”

Wish me luck this week and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings I just misplace my emotions and love to curse.

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The Pilgrimage

I have to start by saying this week I read The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho and cannot recommend it enough. My darling Michelle Alameda recommended it to me (and is actually doing the Pilgrimage route from France through Spain next year, so, that’s badass).

What it made me see and understand is that I’m constantly looking ahead. I’m hardly watching what I’m doing in front of myself, and always looking to something bigger and better.

I have a whole life I have to live between this moment and the moment I’m leaving for Europe. And if I let it go by, if I never find happiness now, then the future will become the now and I’ll constantly be searching for happiness.

Slow down, I guess is what I’ve taken away from this. Look around, fear less about where you’re going, and live as if today and this moment is always where you wanted to be, and it’ll always feel like you’ve accomplished your goals.

Anyway, this is all to say I had a great week. My friends from Oregon were in town over last weekend, and it was just nice to be with family and laugh and not have to explain myself to anyone. To get to just let the decade+ of history do the talking. Turns out all you have to do to “Be somebody” (last week’s project) is to nurture the relationships you’ve cultivated with people who genuinely love and care about you, and for whom you feel the same.

I was sick again, so the getting work done before play was actually a lesson in The Pilgrimage. I had to tell myself to slow down, listen to my body and take care of myself. I’m bad at it. I’m obviously the person who would rather have a wild time at the expense of my health than lay in bed for a whole day to get healthy.

It’s worth it to consider what it means to “Be somebody” and if that leads to happiness. It’s worth it to consider what’s important for you, so when that’s accomplished, you’re freer to share yourself with the experiences you seek.

Phew. Life.

The time in my apartment is coming to an end. I’ve put off a lot of things I kept thinking I’d have done by now (such is life) but we’re getting down to the wire here. I have two weeks to really assess what I’ve got left to do.

For starters, I have a pair of pants that I intended to take as my only jeans for my travels. I can’t fit in them… I haven’t been able to fit in them pretty much since I bought them.

They’re really good quality, and they’re the perfect style so I want to use them. I know, you’re thinking, just buy a bigger pair. Duh.

Well this week I’m going to circle back around to one of my first goals for Volume Two; Eat healthy and Exercise. I do both of those things fairly often. I just eat pizza much much more than I do those things. Like, I had pizza and Oreos for lunch on Monday AND Tuesday. So it doesn’t really matter if I work out, ya know?

This week is “Let Others See Your Weaknesses” week. I’m a pretty open book about my weaknesses. I don’t think I hide much from people because I’m constantly looking to them to help me sort out what the hell I’m even doing with these problems.

But one of my biggest weaknesses is self sabotage. I think I rarely see myself as anything other than invincible unless I’m doubting or blaming myself. I eat like garbage, even though I balance it out with lots of vegetables, yoga and gyming. I drink too much, even though I’m responsible, and aim to drink a gallon of water a day. I doubt myself, I make jokes about my progress, I never slow down etc.

I’ll be 30 on December 9th, and I really don’t want to take these weaknesses into the next decade with me. So this week, I’m addressing that my weakness is giving up on my health to satisfy immediate gratification. I’m taking my health into my own hands, taking myself seriously and building up my weak spots to be buff spots (and buff arms. I want buff arms). In the immortal words of my late Uncle, I’m gonna “give it shit, girl.”

Wish me luck this week and let’s keep each other accountable. How do you stay healthy throughout the week? What’s your workout routine? How am I going to fit into these pants in the next two weeks???

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JOKER

I could not have been more appropriate for me to see the new Joker movie the day I decided to take on a week of smiling and not being grumpy.

I’ve finally found another project I don’t believe in.

There’s certainly merit in not letting the difficulties of life get you down. There’s certainly something to be said about putting on a happy face.

However, especially after seeing the Joker movie, sometimes it feels almost unhealthy to just avoid being upset about something. Obviously it was a movie, and so it came with a lot of nuanced issues. My good friend, Keaton and I had opposing views of the movie. They thought it didn’t take seriously enough the theme of mental illness and the responsibility we have to make sure we’re not portraying people who need legitimate help as murderers.

I, however, could see from Arthur’s perspective. He’s simply just trying to make a living but is constantly cut down from every angle, pushed and beaten by life.

Of course, in the end of the movie, the sort of message could be interpreted as, if you view life as a comedy, or if you just stay positive, smile and avoid being grumpy, anything could be made into a joke. Even murder.

So, yes, that’s an extreme, but this week I felt it, man. I’m working in a warehouse that’s covered with rat shit, one “working” bathroom, and the only other bathroom with an actual toilet is literally covered in human feces. On top of that, my bratty previous employer took me to court to avoid paying my unemployment. He sat in front of me and told the judge I was basically an ungrateful, self absorbed moron. And when it was my turn, I did what I went there to do. I said, “I didn’t know BNS was paying my unemployment. So I side with them and their complaint.”

“Smile and don’t be grumpy” didn’t cut it this week.

It’s not real. Sometimes there are things you should be upset about. There are things you should complain about. It’s not as simple as just smiling it away. I swear to God I’m one more nightmare away from playing the next Joker myself.

This week I’m going to start hunkering down. I’ve got a lot to do and a little time to do it before I got to Europe. I’m also sort of homeless at the beginning of next month, so I need to figure that out.

Which leads me to this week’s project:

“Be somebody. Be happy/friendly. Get what needs to be done, done, then go places, meet people, experience life. ONLY after work is done.”

I don’t know how “Be somebody,” is relative to being present and getting work done before play, but whatever. This week I’m gonna be somebody.

I am officially a week into my last gig. I have less than 3 weeks before I have to find myself a roof to sleep under, and less than 2 months from leaving the country.

So it’s actually imperative that I start getting my shit together before fucking off (I’m still doing really well not cursing).

I’m really looking at this week as “Don’t forget you’re a person and you live in a city you love and your friends are here. Live a little and don’t kill anyone.”

So wish me luck and get your shit together.

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What if God Was One of Us?

I read Why So Many Gods? by Tim Baker and Kate Etue last week. I was initially pumped to read about things my small town education never presented to me, then read the first page in which they claim that Christianity is the one and only true religion.

So that put a damper on things, but honestly, the authors did a fine job of keeping their bias at bay except in a small reflection at the end of each chapter.

I learned about religions I’ve never heard of before (Bahá’i, sup?) and double checked the facts for some of the more prone to misinformation religions at the time of this writing (Taliban – which they actually gave the same info as Wiki).

I LEARNED A LOT HOLY SHIT. This was dope. I really enjoyed just flicking through some info I’d never really had in close comparison before. It’s interesting to see the variations and honestly how similar the beliefs are in what the end or main goal is. Would recommend this book if you can look past the weird moments where the authors express how Christianity is law over all the religions they’re teaching. They had some interesting contestants, for example, Magic the Gathering. Which many would be honored to have considered as a religion.

Reading about so many beliefs in such a condensed space kicks up a lot of thoughts on religion.

Some of them (Mormonism or Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, which this book classifies as a cults) have very specific guidelines and expectations. You have to ask if it’s manmade or someone truly believed that the Lord came to them to preach the truth.

And the reality is most of these religions (or cults or whatever you want to call them) are genuinely faith based. It’s hard to test someone’s faith if they truly, in their heart of hearts believe what they’ve seen/heard/felt.

Many of the religions think of the Christian God or the Christian Jesus as one person, or as two separate but equally insignificant people, or as guys who play a part but not the major role, etc. etc. Honestly, by the end of the book I was getting bored of hearing the slightest of variations between the religions. Y’all are talking about the same thing.

I love to not bring this up, because I love not arguing about things I genuinely have no stake in, but I believe it’s truth when a person is 100% behind their brand or faith. They genuinely believe what they believe, and it’s different than what other people genuinely believe. Everyone has their proof but that only matters if the proof is enough to convince the non-believers.

So is any of it real?

For those with a genuine faith, very much yes. For me and the others of us who don’t really care, I don’t really care.

Hannah Huth and I at a winter church camp, maybe 2007?

All things considered, I just like learning. I like being armed with information and this book provided that. Hella would recommend.

Ok, so last post I mentioned that my life is chaos on accident. Well, it turns out my lease is up a month before I thought it was. Of course my initial thought was “Son of bitch, I could’ve left for Europe a month early.” But since my ticket is non-refundable and I just accepted a job with NY Marathon through the first week of November, that’s a big “oh well.”

Now the thought is, “Son of bitch, I have to get rid of all my shit sooner than I thought and then homeless a month sooner than I anticipated.”

Whoopsie Chaos, is what I’ll be calling my life from now on.

So, I’m looking at starting my next and final job for New York Marathon, going to court because my previous, bratty employer doesn’t want to pay my unemployment, becoming homeless for a month, working the marathon, then floating through New York for two weeks before I leave the country for a year.

Needless to say, this week I’m going to practice something the sweet, sweet virginal Jac believed in.

April 11 [2005] 4:59am
“Smile a lot and don’t be grumpy.”

Which is kinda the exact opposite of me and my values. Also a lot of these reflection based projects are similar. That’s not lost on me. But it’s a great reminder every week to get out of my own ass.

It’ll do me some good to just stay positive, and keep my mind on the goal. I’m leaving for a year long travel in Europe in exactly one month and twenty days. That’s the goal.

So here’s to pretending I’m not one shoulder check away from killing someone.

Wish me luck and send me funny things to smile at this week.

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Not Entirely Positive

Ah, New York. My plane landed at 6:45am after I got a total of 15 minutes of sleep all night. It took three hours for me to get from Newark Airport to my house in Brooklyn and then I slept for two whole days.

This week I focused on avoiding negative thoughts. Any time I reminded myself of this project, I overpowered my goal of positive thinking with all the stressful things in my life. I’m unemployed, I’m unprepared for a massive trip I’m taking reeeeaallllyyy soon etc etc. It seems when you try to think about having positive thoughts all you think about is how you should be focusing on the things that bring negativity into your life.

I had a similar feeling when my Uncle John passed. I was so upset and it was wreaking havoc in my life, but I felt like I needed to be upset. I wanted to be upset because that meant I was thinking about him, and if I didn’t think about him he’d go away.

The reality is he was already gone, and my problems won’t be fixed by laboring over them in bed at 1am.

It has also shown me that I’m not entirely great at taking compliments. Somewhere inside of me I feel shame for the life I live. I’m nowhere, in that deep, dark thought. I have nothing and I am nothing. So when someone tells me they’re proud of me, or inspired by me, or excited for me, I make some weird comment on how things will probably blow up. (This article induced these reflections).

(Side bar – I came home to a letter from my first NY employer taking me to court because they don’t want to pay my unemployment… so.)

This is all to say that we’re in this beautifully annoying age of self care, where positivity is a weapon and it’s used to fight self doubt, societal pressure, used to pave the path for all the hard work we do to follow our dreams. It’s up against debt and financial woes, the ever-growing complications of intimate relationships and communication, the reality that dreams don’t pay bills but corporate jobs do and aging which actually hurts.

Sometimes it feels impossible to juggle the mere responsibility of being alive and participating in the US and also tell ourselves we’re okay and beautiful and capable of love.

However, when has a negative thought done anything other than fan the flames of your problems? Is it not the most uncomfortable feeling to be unhappy? I’ll admit I’m one of many people who feed off of depression at times, getting a creative fuel from it. But the nagging disappointment of one’s own life is not inspiring in the least and tends to feel more like pressure. It’s gross. It’s a gross feeling. Like when you’re too hot but can’t take off layers so you just have to stew in your sweat (it’s still really hot in NY so this is just an immediate feeling for me).

So I still believe in positive thinking. I don’t know that I truly believe that positive thinking will bring you all your fame and fortune (because I’ve been coasting off that belief forever, but it turns out believing you’ll succeed doesn’t actually do the hard work of succeeding) but it will certainly ease the discomfort.

Here‘s another cute article as a final thought on that.

This week will be a whirlwind. I’m getting all my doc appointments out of the way (is it a broken rib? Is it Tietze? Stay tuned, I’m getting an x-ray. My money is still on swollen organ). I was also brought on for New York Marathon and that gig starts next Monday. It goes from then until the week after the event (Nov. 3rd) which will leave me just a week or two out from Europe.

There’s a lot of prep to be done, but in the meantime I just finished a (bad) book and so this week’s project is one I’m actually pretty interested in.

Cost me $3 on Thriftbooks, the holy mecca of cheap reads

Tim Baker and Kate Etue wrote a book called Why So Many Gods? and it’s pretty much a 2000s rundown of a select bunch of religions. I’m pretty sure both authors are Christians, so we’ll see how this pans out. It’s actually really hard to find anything on Tim Baker, because as you can imagine, everyone and their dog is named Tim Baker (Tim Barker, for the latter…).

I’m curious to see how factual this information is and possibly learn a little about other religions. I’ve spoken a lot about my relationships with Christianity but I honestly know very little about other religions. Such is growing up white in America. Here’s to being accountable for the information we fill ourselves with (and here’s to filling myself with potentially biased information).

Well, wish me luck this week and give me deets on the religion you practice, one you’re interested in learning about, or your experience with religions. OR READ THE BOOK WITH ME. I’m so alone.

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My Own Person

SO. It turns out being your “own person,” and being true to me is super confusing when I’m back in my hometown.

From the Springfield Water Tower

It’s interesting that coding is easier than just living authentically. Being in uncomfortable or unfamiliar circumstances often finds me acting in a way that’s more catered to the situation over what I truly think and feel.

What I’d truly like for myself is to wake up and make decisions based on what’s best for me. I’d like to, instead of just being nice or friendly or agreeing or saying yes just to avoid having to explain why I’d do something contrary to that, behave in a way that is the best answer, the most authentic response and the most true to my goals and my values.

Alas.

If you’ve got ideas on how to undo the need to be polite, the need to agree, the need to give in to make other people feel better when you’re trying hard to grow into a new version of yourself, hit me up.

My brothers and I being uncomfortable

That being said, Oregon has been good. I’ve seen all the people I came to see, and I’ve seen people I didn’t think I’d get to see, and people I haven’t seen in half a decade. Being home is weird, and hard, but it’s both humbling and good for reflecting to be where I came from.

My nephew Logan as he was teaching me how to use my phone
My nephew Joshua after a day of melting stuff

And I go back to New York on Tuesday, which I’m also not prepared for.

My brain has moved on to Europe already, but I’ve still got a whole two months before I leave. I still have to get one last job, still have to pay two more months of rent, still have to live every day in the fall of New York before I leave. And it’s a daunting thought when everything I own is already packed up in Oregon.

Shrug. Bring it on New York. I’ve got a few more things to say before I go.

I liked this “be yourself” project because it made me deeply aware of how uncomfortable I am being myself. I think the people who like me (and of course this is generalizing and also hella projecting) like me because I’m always down. I’m down to get drunk, I’m down to stay out, I’m down for one more hit, I’m down to go to Taco Bell.

But, like, Imma be 30 soon. Like, real soon. And I don’t want to do that stuff anymore. I don’t really like being drunk, and hate being hungover. I hate eating like shit, and I hate not getting enough sleep. Of course the compromise is all the fun stuff I do like (weird times, mostly) but I’m noticing I have fun doing regular stuff that doesn’t involve cocaine or late nights or strangers or whatever makes for weird times.

So this week, I’m going to stop caring so much.

Don’t think any negative thoughts “That guy thinks I’m a loser.” “This test will be hard.” “I hate that teacher.”

I love that this project comes with examples…

In doing last week’s project, I talked to a few people about identity and what it meant to be authentic to yourself. The response I got the most was that it’s hard being true to yourself because we all spend so much time projecting what other people think of us.

My best pal Kaylee Wolf mentioned that we only believed people thought these things about us because somewhere inside ourselves, we’re worried that we are those things. She told a story she heard in a podcast about how we wouldn’t be worried that people think we’re a Lizard King, because we aren’t worried we’re a Lizard King.

But because I’m worried that my lifestyle and my decisions are irresponsible, then of course I think everyone else believes that about me too.

So here’s to a week of just getting out of other people’s heads, keeping in the positive, and getting back to some weird semblance of a normal life in New York.

Wish me luck and gimme some ideas on positivity.

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Unfinished Work

Last week I read Kevin Max of dc Talk’s book Unfinished Work.
If you’re anti-religion, maybe this isn’t for you. If you, like me, can take what matters to me and discard all the other information I don’t find valuable I say give it a shot.

From a refreshing perspective, Max says that to truly find belief in your morals, they need to be challenged. He says learning about the rest of the world and the people in it helps him to establish a firm foundation for his faith. “Let’s face it. The Christian life requires all the faith we can muster. To believe that a Man actually could walk on water and be raised from the dead is to believe in things that most people will try to laugh off and call fairy tales or myths.”

His perspective is perhaps the exact reason these projects are valuable to me. I forget that having an open mind allows me to challenge my beliefs and the bits of me I understand as identity. I also believe that creating that space for conversation without confrontation is how peace is created between opposing groups. Like, I may not hang with this dude, but I may high five him if we passed each other. Also have you ever listened to dc Talk? They’re dope.

It’s comforting to hear that people, even people who had successful careers, struggle with finding a space for themselves in the world. Max spends most of the book talking about being pigeonholed into the Christian music industry and then being forced to behave per everyone’s expectation of what a Christian music performer should behave like.

All the me’s I’ve tried

I’ve been told who I am for so much of my life that when I finally stood back and asked myself who I wanted to be, I had very few original ideas. I was so buried beneath being told I was pretty, being told I was irrational and irresponsible, being told I’m a woman that when I asked myself who I was I said, “I’m a pretty, irrational, irresponsible woman.” I only ever wanted to find a place where I felt like I belonged, and even then, as I went about my own personal discoveries, people would say I must be running from myself, rather than in pursuit of myself.

When the obsession revolved around my body

To hold your own destiny in your hands seems something impossible when the world around you wants you to be their favorite and perhaps most comfortable version of you.

The book was a quick read, relatable, though at times a little inflated. I say go for it if you need to feel okay about the world pushing back.

Separate note, I’m in OREGON!!!! It feels like I never left, yet somehow forget where I am at all times. Cam and Matt are getting married TODAY and I can’t wait.

When I thought “presenting gay” would make people take me seriously

I’m very happy to be home and out of New York for a time, but I will say, the dreaded time has come. Portland is no longer my home and it’s a hard pill to swallow.

It’s been nine months since I’ve been home, and so much has happened. It’s not as easy for me to come home and slip right back into things. Everyone here has moved on, I’ve moved on. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, and I think we’ve always known this could happen, but it stills feels weird.

It’s hard to be the person I was before so that I may be who people remember me being or to relate easier with people I love. It’s like putting on a shoe that’s too small. I’m sure it’s the same for everyone else.

Life is crazy and I’m happy to be here and in just a couple days I get to see my parents, my brothers, the babies. I’m very happy to be here, and happy to see the new versions of the people I love, and love sharing the new version of me. It’s how we round out our relationships, I suppose.

So for this week, I’m pulling from Bible Study Jac. She was an individual and always inspired by the “be yourself” pep talk at this age. She wanted to truly be inside herself, and I admire that about her.

“Be my own person. Don’t do things so I can be accepted. Or so I can hang out with or be like anyone else. Be me. Wear what I like, no matter what people think. Do what’s right. Don’t lie, gossip. Stand up for what I believe in. Get involved.”

Being authentic to myself, as mentioned above, hasn’t always come naturally to me in my adult life. I think exploring that, being thoughtful, truly being fearless, that all plays an important part in the life I’ve built for myself in New York, the relationships I want to continue to nurture back in Oregon, and the life I’ll take with me to Europe.

How do you keep in check with yourself? How do you keep yourself centered and your values ever present as you live each day? And how to do deal with your morals or your goals being challenged?

The only photo I have with Matt and Cam together she’s flipping me off and he’s not paying attention. So this is Cam and I on Father’s Day 2018 at Rockaway Beach.

Wish me luck this week and CONGRATS TO MATT AND CAM!!!!!

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Ooh Ahh

Album reviews are weird cause I would literally never listen to GRITS on my own. But I guess that’s why I’m doing this, and honestly I can get down to Art of Translation.

The fourth album from GRITS got mostly good reviews, won a Dove award and the song “Ooo Ahhh” went gold, so they did alright.

The first two songs, as previously mentioned, were very popular and displayed around in the mainstream. From there, the songs vary from headache inducing sound-wall songs, to bops about the Christian classic, getting married so they can hook up.

Over all, it’s groovy though. I’ll be listening to the album and notice I’m dancing along even if the lyrics are “Do you understand the ill coined phrase, gospel rapper.”

They don’t have music videos, but “Ooh Ahh” was in Tokyo Drift.

Christian music is so interesting. It’s so specific, and Christian hip hop even more so, that done in an approachable way, like this album, it’s kind of accessible to everyone.

Some dude name Dan Leroy wrote a review on AllMusic saying “Yet, great as the album sounds, nothing on it is more remarkable than the sound of two conscious and gifted MCs responding to hip-hop thuggery with marriage and Jesus, instead of a hopeless ‘reality’ or revolutionary tripe.”

I make fun of things like this a lot, because I was raised a) to make fun of things, and b) in the church and then later fell out of faith. Reality, though, it’s not as common in the mainstream to rap about respect, trust and honesty.

Overall, I won’t put it on rotation but if you’re dabbling in religion and you need a way in, take this one. It’s comfortable and respectable while still feeling you up.

Do you have thoughts on Christian music? Is it possible for the genre to bleed over into mainstream and interest the non-believer?

ANYWAY.
On Tuesday I’m flying to Oregon for a two week break from NYC/farewell before Europe. My first NY roommates Cam and Matt are getting married, and my best friend Katy and her charming darling Steve are getting married. So it’s going to be a love-filled trip, and I can’t wait to be in homeland territory.

I’m also going to read the longest book on my list (per flying 6 hours west) Unfinished Work by Kevin Max of DC Talk.

As far as I can tell, the book is about trying to discover your place in the world, your profession and still be a good person (whilst coincidentally walking in the path of Christ).

I have very little faith (in general and) in the book, but let’s do it. I guess I decided this is what I want all my free time to be, so here I am owning up to all my (bad) ideas.

Also (and definitely more fun) my love Molly and I are having a Golden Girls themed sleepover, so if you’ve got ideas on how to help us get in the mood, send them right my way.

Wish me luck and SEE YOU IN OREGON.

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Fuuuuuuuuuuuu

(Find throughout this post all the Fucks I’ve given over 63 volumes).

(the artistic fuq)

It’s crazy how attached to swearing I am. Sometimes I felt like my point wouldn’t be made if I didn’t throw an “f” word in there, or it wouldn’t sound like me if I said “holy smokes.” Turns out I rely heavily on my abrasive personality to get me through life.

(to the backdrop of Garfield)

I will say as the week continued I became more and more aware of the language I was using. I would purse my lips to say the “b” word, and then stop myself. Or I’d actually say “aw man, that’s shitty” and hear the word a little louder than maybe I previously had.

I talked with a few different friends about the use of curse words and some of them didn’t even notice how much I swore until I was trying not to. We tried to come up with alternatives, but nothing really feels as satisfying as that hard F.

(The classic scribble fuck)

The best I thing we came up with was Shuck Knuckle. Haven’t used it in context and honestly wouldn’t know how.

(The desperate shitfuck)

As I get older and more aware of myself and the person I think I’d like to be, I think it’s useful to be more aware of the person I am, and this has certainly given me perspective.

Yay growth.

A few weeks ago I mentioned I was going to study the GRITS. album Art of Translation and never brought it back up cause I didn’t get around to it.

Well I’m getting around to it this week. If you like gospel rap originating from Tennessee, then you like really specific things and should 1000% check out GRITS. The first two songs were pretty popular. “Here We Go” and “Ooh Ahhh (My Life Be Like)” played around church to make sermons cool for the young kids and even played on KDUK, the local young people radio station in Springfield and Eugene, Oregon.

I’ve dabbled with the rest of the album a couple times and it’s definitely better than other albums I’ve listened to for JACLAND.

Was anyone a fan back in the early 2000s? Did we go to church together and just never put two and two together? Let me know if you have tidbits or memories of Art of Translation and I’ll let you know if I could choke it down for a whole week.

Wish me luck and tell me all the embarrassing things you did as a young Christian (I shit my bathing suit at church camp, so really nothing is off limits here). (Also the use of the “s” word here is valid. I pooped my bathing suit makes me feel like a Spongebob character). Also also, not that it matters but this is not even a fourth of the fucks I’ve displayed over the years, as one can imagine.

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Notes on Health

Last Week I was sick. It took a minute, but I’m better and have a few thoughts on the process Tiny Jac thought would cure me.

-Orange Juice:
Super high in sugar. Even the fresh stuff. Also, I think the orange juice thing was a myth sold to us from Minute Maid. Cause there are a ton of things with more vitamin c than oranges.

In one cup of homemade fresh orange juice per MyFitnessPal

-Organics:
As a rule, organics are purchased to avoid the weird chemicals they put in GMOs and pesticides they spray on foods (honestly current articles are not 100% for organic right now). They’re also infinitely more expensive because they have a tendency to go bad quicker. So, Tiny Jac lived at home and her money was basically free. She could buy organics. Now she’s unemployed and eats the vegetables they keep outside of the market that are constantly sprayed with New York exhausted and street slush. I’m talking 3 peaches for $1 that literally cough when you pick them up.

-Gargle with salt water:
This is the thing my mom made me do as a kid that only comes second in importance to rubbing Vicks vapor rub on my chest. It makes me gag, I hate it, I didn’t do it, I still got better.

Dec. 2018

-Stay clean:
Wtf does that even mean?

Anyway, I’m doing better and don’t trust Tiny Jac’s advice about health. She was delirious most of the time and as mentioned last week, a self proclaimed “druggy.”

This week…. sigh.

Raise your hand if you know me personally…

Ok so this week…

Wow, I’m having a hard time saying it.

I’m giving up swearing.

No more fucks, son of a bitch’s, god dammits, shiiiiiiiiit’s. Like, I’m going to have to figure out how to describe things. I’m learning French but finding actual descriptive words without cursing is going to be harder.

…It’s only one week.

God, Tiny Jac was such a Christian. She was just making real life friends in high school and was in constant fear that she was moving too far away from the path of Christ. Swearing was a contributor.

She grew up to know seven words total and five of them are curse words (the other two are please and thanks. I’m not a monster).

It’s fine, I don’t need to talk this week.

Ok…. starting… now.

Wish me luck and really REALLY don’t piss me off this week (is piss a curse word?)

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