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On Being Joyful

Last week JACLAND took on the task of being “joyful always.” And just as I suspected, “always” is the hard part.

I wrote about it more here. Being joyful isn’t easy, especially in this world we’ve created both internally and externally.

My quick suggestions are as follows:
#1. Journal. Write your thoughts down. Sometimes it helps you work things out, but for me it’s nice being able to look back and see how far I’ve come. See that though times get hard, I bounce back.

#2. I suggest reading The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. His concept of using impeccable speech is valuable in our own self talk. Our thoughts about ourselves are negative, so we don’t value the thoughts we have that are positive.

#3. A good book for unlearning negative thoughts is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris (I suggest the illustrated version). He observes negative self talk in a different light. Perhaps we can hear the negative thoughts, but we don’t need to accept them.

I enjoyed researching this, and the practice of some of these behaviors has been really positive. I could talk forever about it.

But I won’t, cause I’m sick.

One moment I was eating pancakes, the next my throat swelled up and my sinuses clogged.

Fortunately for me, Tiny Jac was sick all the time (she had mono in this volume) so she was Down with the Sickness, if I may. She had routines, tricks and tips to avoid relapse when her immune system had regressed to that of a baby.

“All the stickers I’ve gotten from my recent visits to the doctor”

In the span of eight weeks I had been through mono, pharyngitis, laryngitis, multiple sinus infections and then this:

6-6-06 (didn’t see the correlation at the time) 8:35am
“I have pneumonia. Well, the doctor said so but she said she’d send the results to radiologist & see if they think different. But now I’m taking pills (only 3) again. New this time is they’re having me sniff and inhale drugs. Yeah it’s sweet. I’m pretty shore I’m a druggy. I’ve taken 5 different kinds of pills, syrup, and I’m sniffing & inhaling. My body is going to be so dependent. I need a new journal soon.”

Lol. Well just a few days before, she thought she had a pretty good plan:

May 31st, 2006
“Help the process of getting better:
-Vitamins
-Orange juice
-Go to bed @ 9:30 (NO EXCEPTIONS)
-Eat 3 meals a day
-Don’t go anywhere big (doesn’t include getting (not staying at) coffee/bubble tea. Go to the store and get what you went for. If hanging out w/ppl, hang out at home)
-gargle w/salt water
-organics
-veggies
-naps, sleep
-If too tired, don’t do it!
-Stay clean”

To all the people I’ve dated who can’t handle my bedtime, sorry if it saved my life once. Sorry if I took “NO EXCEPTIONS” super literally.

I’m gonna take really good care of myself this week, and also chug NyQuil and sleep forever until one day the sun shines again.

Wish me luck and send me stories of how you stay positive when your entire face is leaking.

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Oh Joy

I DID IT.
I finally finished the Damsel story (currently called The Plum Wizard). I wrapped it up and sent a query to an agent. So there. There’s that. You can read it here.

Guess what’s not easy?
Knitting. Knitting is not easy, and everyones knows it.

I didn’t consider that I wouldn’t be a natural at this. Which is vain as hell, but has also gotten me jobs I didn’t qualify for in the past.

Anyway, what I made is a thing. It’s definitely not a scarf, but it is 100% a thing. You know what people don’t tell you about knitting? It kinda hurts your body. It’s repetitive motion in weird kinked positions. I’m sore. I’ve been doing yoga to uncripple my hands and shoulders.

If anyone can figure out how to wear this monstrosity, it’s my mom.

I know somewhere down the line I wrote about wanting to properly learn to knit. But that is not now, so bye bye crippled neck. See ya frozen fingers.

Ok, I feel bad about saying this but I’m hella over Good Girl Volume Two. Yes there’s value in a lot of the projects I’ve done and many that I will do, but (I vaguely remember this happening in Volume One?) they’re boring. So I’m going to knock a few out at a time when possible.

Which leads me to GRITS The Art of Translation. I threw this album on yesterday and was surprised that I knew some of the songs. The group was pretty popular when I was growing up, and they’re pretty good. Thank God, ya know?

Also this week I’ll be working on a Revolve Beauty Secret. Just for a frame of reference, the following are words I would use to describe myself:
-Indifferent
-Bored
-Moody
-Quirky
-Curious
-Cute

The Revolve Beauty secret #1 is “Be joyful always.”

Honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever been considered “joyful”. It just doesn’t sounds like me. I don’t even like things that are considered joyful (except babies but I like them cause they’re dumb and tiny). I do see value in this, though I think “always” is a little unrealistic. But I will make a week long attempt at being joyful always or whatever.

Unemployment has found me sitting in my bed a lot this time around. If you were with me during my last unemployment gap I was thriving.

I pretty much just ate during my last gap of unemployment. Also banana puddingomgomg

Now that it’s crunch time for Europe, and I can’t afford to spend money/go without work I feel the pressure (also it’s so hot and humid in NYC right now. It’s impossible to be outside, I miss you Spring).

I could use a little joy, or at least use my efforts to discover what it takes to be joyful. If you have any suggestions, notes, articles on joyfulness please send them my way! I’ve just figured out how to make a “Contact” button, so use it.

Speaking of things to figure out, the blog needs an update and I’m not super savvy.

Oh, you are??? Omg that’s crazy. Lemme by you a drink to help me work on making this look cuter. Thanks for offering.

Anyway, wish me luck this week and lemme know your top tips on living joyfully.

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“9. Knit her a scarf”

Hi there. Thanks for being here. It makes doing this every week less of a massive waste of time.

We’re neck deep in Volume Two when Tiny Jac was a very hopeful Christian.

Sometimes I read through this Volume and can’t even remember being this person. I can’t remember truly having a relationship with God, and I can’t really remember why all of it made sense at the time.

Tiny Jac would soon struggle with her faith. It would be a losing battle, as we all know, but it was painful at the time. She thought, because it was how she was raised, that she would know 100% there was a God at some point. And it never came. And all the things that made people believe in God started to seem more and more unreasonable. She fought like hell (for seven volumes) to find God in her heart and then she finally realized she was alone in there. She finally realized it was time to start saving herself.

(She did a damn fine job, btw).

Reading through The Rules: Ten To Live By by Mark Nicholas has been an interesting and low-key upsetting journey. Sometimes, the way God is spoken about, he sounds like an abuser, and it stresses me out. If you’re looking for an intro into Christianity, this ain’t it.

If you’re not familiar with the 10 Commandments, they’re supposed to revolve around creating good people. However, this guy choose to exclusively use examples from the Bible where God looks like a dick, and then backs these quotes with examples that don’t make him look like less of a dick.

For example, the book opens by saying the Lord is a jealous God. Is jealously not a sin? “God is jealous of any worship that is not directed to who He truly is.” He then quotes the bible: “If you hate me, I will punish your children, and even your grandchildren and great-grandchildren.” The explanation here doesn’t make the concept of our God less of a whiny little brat, and jealousy less of a sin.

He goes on to speak about homosexuality as if it’s an affliction. “I have friends who have wrestled with this sin and found what I believe is complete healing in the arms of a merciful God.” He believes that we should still respect and love people despite their struggle with homosexuality.

In case you’re wondering if I’m biased.

So, hey… I’m not gonna lash out. I’ve done that a lot lately and I’m v tired. There are many a Christian-homo who worship God and who have yet to see his mighty wrath. Turn on the news… some of these “God-fearing” Christians are behaving like monsters, shaming homosexuals, people of color, women who have chosen to have abortions as if they are God and get to do the condemning.

Maybe consider that homosexuals, even Christian homosexuals aren’t struggling. They are who they are, they also love God and those people have an open communication with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

He mentions that murder is murder unless it’s war because it’s the government that must answer to God. We, as humble servants of God, must help our government make good decisions about war. “If you believe our government isn’t handling matters of life and death in accordance with God’s rules, speak and let you voice be heard.”

So, let’s just say if lil Timmy gets drafted to fight for his country and is like “but I don’t want to” it’s treason. So he goes to war and then gets killed – I’m talkin, a faceless person who’s wielding a gun from a 100 yards away, shoots him in the head and he dies right then and there and it’s not murder. Because it’s war. Which is toooootttallllyyyy fine when the war is created by politicians who must answer to God. And are often punished with bad press.

Thanks for your sacrifice, Timmy. The death of your body, hopes, dreams and total presence on this planet was not wasted at all.

I dunno, y’all. Religion is a hard one for me. It asks a lot of it’s followers and one of those asks is to just take all the smoke and mirrors without questioning why, all because they’ve monopolized the word “faith” and then worship a dude who (according to this book) blames Adam’s blasphemy on Eve because she offered him the apple and he took it.

It’s 2019, ya know! I’m a strong, queer woman, it’s hard to just take this shit at face value!

I will say that the reason I made lists like this all throughout my journals and my life was to continuously challenge the way I think about and see things. So, back to Tiny Jac and her Christianity, I’m glad she had a thing, and I’m heartbroken that she was heartbroken when it didn’t resonate with her.

Honestly, she’ll have a million other things that ultimately don’t resonate with her, so maybe God’s plan was to set me up for a life of being curious and never giving up.

Thanks God!

There’s, like, 8 more books on this Christian reading list…

BUT THIS WEEK! I want to do nothing religion. It’s making me unkind.

This week I’m fully unemployed, and you know what that means. So much New York exploration. The next (insert amount of time before I get a job) will be filled with some of the following; the Sisyphus Stones, Vinegar Hill, Cobble Hill, museums and parks galore.

I’m also going to take a note from the Dungeon Master of knitting, Kaylee Wolf, and learn to knit. I’m going home to Oregon in September, and I intend to have a scarf all knit together for my mom as a going away present. Cause I’m going away, remember? Europe?

There’s no way I did all the rest of this stuff

From Revolve, one of the lists is “Top 10 Ways to Show Mom I love Her.” Knit her a scarf is one of two remaining projects (the other is make her breakfast in bed which has been impossible my whole life because she basically naps for 30 minutes and is awake for 23 1/2 hours a day).

So ‘hook’ it up with some advice, some plans or whatever the word is for recipes to knit, and follow me on IG where I’ll be showing my progress @jac_land_.

Wish me luck this week and be nice because it’s nice to be nice.

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Adultery and Jesus Christ

I love New York.

I’ve learned a valuable lesson going away for a month. New York is earned, and your relationship needs to be nurtured constantly or you will quickly lose it.

I say this because I keep running into people and it’s pissing me off!

It’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to be a mobbing-machine in midtown and now I’m walking like the tourist families who want to seem like locals but actually get trampled to death by business people on their way to work.

It’s also rained A LOT. It did this last summer and I’m starting to understand that, unlike Oregon where it rains all year except the few months of summer, New York ONLY rains in the summer.

I refuse to buy an umbrella because there are 11 million people using umbrellas and I’m tired of being hit in the face. If you’ve never summer-stormed in NYC before, it’s something else. It’s hot as fuck and the rain is egregious. Buckets of rain kicking up the shit slush from the streets, and then you get into a cold subway with thousands of other wet people.

On our way to Jacob Riis

Ah, the motherland.

I did beach last week. I also burnt while beaching. But it was nice to be tits out around a bunch of queers, just floating in the water on a scorcher. Follow me on Insta to see all the (fully clothed) cool shit I do.

As of last Wednesday I have exactly four months until I leave for Europe. It seems no matter how many questions I ask or how much research I do, it still doesn’t feel any more real. It’s super real though. I’m hella going.

This last week I listened to Audio Adrenaline. Deep, deep sigh. First, I don’t like his voice. It almost feels out of tune, but it’s also a little shaky? The lyrics are so vanilla. The song “Rejoice” opens like this: “I sing this song just as long as I’m breathin. I’m feelin good, yeah I’m feeling right.” That literally has no meaning. It’s just words next to each other that say nothing at all. It’s like bad Google translate.

The song “Summertime” opens with: “I want to play all day and swim out in the waves. In a lagoon that has no shark to bite my legs.”

…

So that’s my review of that album. The review is simply stating some lyrics with an obvious tone about my feelings.

I finished writing the Damsel story. FINALLY. It’s done, and I want it out of my life, so if anyone knows publishers, editors, agents, let’s get this baby on the road. Also, I still need a name. I’m not good at names. My last fish’s name was Chapstick.

Officially unemployed on Thursday. Tell your employers I’m a delight to work with. Or pay me money to do whatever weird shit you need done.

In the meantime I will begrudgingly read another book from my Revolve list, “10 Christian Books”. This week is The Rules: Ten to Live By by Mark Nicholas. If you’re unfamiliar with Christian culture, the 10 rules this demographic live by are the Ten Commandments. I was taught them at a young age and can, off the top of my head, name two of them. Adultery and taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Judging by the cover of this book, trophies, the myth of the color green, hating guns, heart doodles, laser eyes, steal ng, needing barcodes, God, the number 7 and honor are also sins. Ah, yes, it’s all coming back to me.

I’ll give you the skinny next week.

Wish me luck, and don’t cheat on your partner. It’s a commandment, and it’s also a shitty thing to do to someone.

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Hi Honey

I’m home.

I left SF at 11am, and arrived home in New York at 1am. You’re correct in thinking that math doesn’t add up. Blame it on the summer storms I saw from the sky, both terrifying and super dope.

I haven’t had time to be excited that I’m home yet, but I can say I have massive stress relief knowing the event is over.

I will, of course, regret saying this in a week when I’m unemployed again, but at the moment, it feels good knowing nothing really intense and all consuming is in my immediate future (jk hi Europe).

I enjoyed AIDS Walk San Francisco much, much more than New York. Mostly because I had the actual opportunity to enjoy it. Way less people, the set up is all in one area, and I got to see the legendary Thelma Houston perform It’s Raining Men. Yeah.

This isn’t to say it didn’t almost break me. It wasn’t many years ago that I could work on film sets for hours upon hours and recover just fine. Now, it’s impossible. I haven’t even begun the recovery process. The event was five days ago and last night I slept 12 hours.

I wish I could say I spent this week really working on holding back any complaints. But I can’t even pin point a moment where I stopped myself, or even thought about stopping myself from complaining.

So let’s just start over and pretend I never previously attempted to quit complaining okay?

This week I’m going to work on watching my mouth. That’s right you lucky suckers, I’m going to go a whole week without complaining and see if it clears up my complexion.

Ugh.

I’m in New York until Sept. 10th and then I fly home to Oregon for two weeks. My first NY roommate and lifemate Cam Jordan is about to become Cam MacDonald (cause for some reason I put her fiance’s name is my phone as Matt MacDonald. That’s not his last name). Also my best friend Katy is getting married to everyone’s favorite dreamboat Steve. I’m very excited, and also sad. It’ll be the last time I see my friends and family until I come home from Europe.

Sidebar on Europe for a second (this could get ugly):

Most of the people who read this blog know me personally. So I get why people have lashed out at me for being irresponsible for going to Europe in this capacity. Yes, it’s very me to uproot my whole entire life and future to frivolously wander an unknown land for a year based off of an initially bad acid trip…

Yes I make impulse decisions and often times without any thought process whatsoever.

Here’s some perspective: I decided to do this trip in December of last year. As of this post, that’s over seven months ago. I have to ask; do you really think I just decided to go to Europe for a year seven months ago and haven’t done any research?

I regret that I’ve made a name for myself by making whimsical decisions, but please, don’t take my ability to try new things with or without fear as stupidity. Besides, seven months is a long time to have this massive trip coming up and not research the cute shit I’m going to do while I’m away.

So yes, I have looked into visas (or lack there of in my case), I’ve looked into travel insurance, banking, taxes, immunizations, I have a plan for when I get back to the U.S…. I’ve done my homework, I’m not a twat, mind your own business.

If you’ve traveled for a year in Europe specifically, I would LOVE to sit down and chat. If you’ve traveled for a year around the world, three months in Europe, a few weeks or on a fam vacay, please please tell me your favorite places, any etiquette advice I can get, and trips and tricks with currency. If you had a student visa, a working visa or a spouse/family tie please tell me everything you know about relevant regions and the people, food and culture. If none of this is you, don’t tell me how to travel Europe for a year. It’s different.

Also, I’m not afraid. If it doesn’t work out, if I didn’t do enough research about something that wound up being way more important than I thought, if I don’t like it, I’ll come back to America. Or I’ll get fined. Or I’ll be put in a foreign jail. That’s life, and it’s my life. I’m not afraid of that shit. I’m afraid of not doing things I want to do because other people tell me I can’t. I’m afraid of living my life to fuel other people’s dreams, I’m afraid of dying and thinking I was the reason I didn’t follow my heart.

I will not be the first person to pull this off. Not even close. I’m going to be fine, and yes, a lot of this will be figuring it out on the fly, but I was a waitress for eight years, moved myself to New York on a whim, changed my college major three times and I’m taking French lessons. I’ll be fine. I’m Jaclyn On-The-Fly MacDonald. No thanks for your concern.

I am always looking for info. Always happy to learn. If your intention is to tell me how much you know and that what I’m doing isn’t going to work, that’s actually not info. Keep your fears to yourself, they make me uncomfortable.

Now that this tangent is (far from) over, I’m just going to listen to another album this week, lol.

If you missed it, I was a Revolve Girl. I had a magazine for young Christian girls that had lists of books to read and music to listen to in order to keep us wholesome or some shit.

For now I’m skipping over Top 10 Way to Have Fun with Friends, Top 10 Ways to Show Your Mom You Love Her, Ways to Have Fun on a Date, Top 10 Ways to Have Fun With Your Dad, Make a Difference, and the completely scratched out 10 Things to Pray For.

This week, from 10 Christian CDs, I’ll be listening to Lift by Audio Adrenaline. UGHHHHHHH. I didn’t think this journal/blog project would be easy, but I didn’t think it would be Christian music that threatened to burn it all down.

Audio Adrenaline was what the cool guys and even some pastors listened to at church. It wasn’t my style then, it’s not my style now. This album is from 2001 and the lead singer’s vocals trigger a gag reflex. It’s the gravel in his voice. It scratches me the wrong way.

Anyway, there’s that. And I really really will stop complaining. Starting….

Now.

Wish me luck and give me some constructive advice for my trip.

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🤷‍♀️

So I didn’t prepare a post for this week. I haven’t had time as this Sunday is AIDS Walk San Francisco and Week of Event pulls a casual 60+ hours.

Me rushing for beer

Pray for me. I think New York was easier because I didn’t know what was coming.

Now I know what’s coming and part of me genuinely can’t see life after this event.

But I fly back to the motherland (NYC) on Wednesday and I can’t wait. Bring on sweat, bring on roommates and midtown. I will welcome them with open arms.

I’ve also been complaining all week (see all above statements). So we’ll just call this week’s project Week Two of not complaining.

Wish me luck and send me cocaine or speed or Adderall…

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“Hey Shut Up”

More Killers lyrics. They were everywhere in this volume. Which leads me to my week with Switchfoot’s album A Beautiful Letdown. I won’t make any title related puns, but know that I want to as it’s very relevant.

I actually knew a lot of the songs on this album. Unsurprisingly. I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s when Christian rock was disguised as popular radio music, and Hoobastank was covered by church bands.

It’s just very pop-y at times, it’s that hard American rock I hate so much at times. And you just know it’s Christian music. Which honestly isn’t a negative in some settings. I think both Emery and Underoath were considered Christian bands at one point and I love both of them. It’s just the kind of Christian music you would hear at a church where they want to seem hip.

Their biggest influence is U2, and if you’ve ever gotten me into a conversation about U2, you know I have strong feelings against them. I can’t help it. It’s just not my jam.

Also relevant to the Killers lyrics I titled this post after, I’m taking on the project of shutting up this week.

That’s right, all you lucky suckers. I’m going to take a week off of complaining and see if my complexion clears up. I know complaining is poisonous. I know it’s not good for you. And, like wine, when overdone it makes people very annoying.

I’ve been complaining a lot this month because I’m totally out of my element and I’m stretching a lot, and though I’m often rather good with change, this change has gone against the grain a little. Which is fine, because I get my normal life back in just a week and a half (I miss you, New York. I’m sorry I ever thought California was the place for me. I know now that when the times comes for me to return back to the US after Europe, I’ll return to you, sweet, stinky New York. Nothing Compares 2U).

I, as many do, know that life is a play dough mix of wild happenstance and bullshit and the best thing you can do is turn your muddled brown blob into a beautiful sculpture of human shit. So that’s what I’ll do this week. Turn my blob into art shit.

Pride was kooky. I waited in line for the bathroom for literally 45 minutes to open a door to a completely full outhouse toilet. I’ve never seen that before, and dear god I hope I never ever do again. It was almost the scariest thing that has happened in my life, and I’ve had shingles twice, was caught up in a drive by shooting, and got my ass kicked by a roommate.

I worked on fourth of July and then Daniele and I went back to that Burmese restaurant I loved so much. It’s definitely my favorite restaurant ever. I’ll be dreaming of that tea leaf salad forever.

If you remember AIDS Walk New York, we go pretty hard for, like, 12 straight days through the event. That starts this Sunday and the Walk is next Sunday. Then I fly back the following Wednesday and finish my week in the New York office. Home! And then a glorious three day weekend (hopefully).

So, I guess I’m trying to say, Myles, rally the troops. We’re beaching HARD that weekend.

Wish me luck and make me pay you a nickel every time I complain this week (though the street goes both ways). Also sorry there are no pictures. Nothing seemed all that relevant. Uh, here:

Kelly Walls, Stacey Cummings and me, church camp somewhere. Ft. little boy shirt
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“The Killerz Somebody told me”

Feb 25 05
“Breakin my back just to know your name. 17 tracks and I’ve had it with this game. Im breakin my back just to know your name. But heaven ain’t close in a place like this. Anything goes but dont think you might miss. Cuz heaven aint close in a place like this I said a heaven a close in a place like this. Bring it back down bring it back down tonight (Hoo hooooo) Never thought I

Am I allowed to just take pictures from the internet?

Chorus Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February
of last year Its now confidential, I’ve got potential. Ready lets roll on to something new takin its toll & Im leavin with out you Cu heaven aint close in a place like this I said heaven aint close in a place like this. Bring it back down bring it back down tonight (hoohoooo) Never thought I

in modern life.

Chorus
Rushin a rushin around. ? Pace yourself for me. I said maybe baby please. But I just dont know now. Weh All I wannt do is try

Chorus
Rushin a rushin around now

Chorus
Rushin a rushin around

Chorus
Rushin a rushin around”

Did you skip most of it because you know where it’s all going? Yeah, I do that every time I open Volume Two. Cause this is exactly how it’s written on the first two pages. I clearly didn’t know all the words, which is actually kindof adorable.

I write more Killers lyrics throughout my journal. The page directly after this has a little corner piece that says “I got soul but I’m not a soldier.” I mean I remember liking them, but I don’t remember being a band member…

Another album I was really into at this time in my life was Reliant K’s “Two Lefts Don’t Make a Right.” For the obvious reason that it’s awesome.

A lot my church friends were listening to that album, but it was also already on my list. Being a devout Revolve Girl, I had a whole list of Christian albums that I never got around to because shortly after, I got into hardcore music and smoking cigarettes and lying.

So, if you hadn’t already figured it out, that’s what I’m doing this week. I have quite the selection; Sixpence None the Richer, MercyMe, GRITS, Audio Adrenaline. But I think, because life is mostly terrible, I’m going to start with Switchfoot.

That’s right. My arch nemesis, alt rock. Wikipedia describes them as American Hard Rock, which literally makes my skin crawl. You all remember “Dare You to Move.” It’s the song you heard on KDUK when you were waiting outside a Dari Mart for your friend to come out with those waxy Lil Debbie snacks. Ah, white trash memories.

Anyway, there’s that. Also, I forgot to mention I read Diary of an Anorexic Girl. It got pretty mixed reviews, but honestly it was a hard book to read. Her slow decline into dangerous behavior is so subtle and casual it’s hard not to draw comparisons to times when I self harmed for what I thought were totally normal reasons. It’s definitely triggering, so don’t read it if you’re happy. Just in general. I wrote a longer piece about it here if you’re dying to know more.

I also went and saw Hamilton on stage at not-Broadway (whatever it’s called in SF. Theatre? People were really dressed up, unlike in NYC). Yes, the Hamilton that rocked Broadway and every high school black box lunch conversation for the last whatever whatever years.

If you don’t know anything about it (I didn’t) it’s the historical telling of Alexander Hamilton’s participation at the inception of America. The reason it’s shaken theatre is because it’s done through mostly rap. History told through rap battles.

I spent the first thirty minutes of the show convincing myself that it’s okay to be the only person on the planet who didn’t like the show. But once we got through all the learning of each character and setting the scene, the style of the music, the tone of the show felt so much more powerful. It was emotional, intense, beautiful. They do a rewind scene that actually rocked me. Bullets were characters, the rhythmic dialogue made for really funny conversation or really painful, hard conversation.

Damn.

DAMN. People were crying, people were cheering on during rap battles, people were hooting and hollering for the singers who tore themselves apart for these roles. Damn. See it. Pay the million dollars to see it. Money well spent/I hate theatre I want to watch it again and again but I’m too poor.

Finally, follow my Instagram. I’ll be doing cool shit all weekend and I’d hate for you to be the person who gets called on in class but didn’t do the reading. San Francisco Pride is upon us. I work a rooftop event and then the AIDS Walk booth at the festival.

So I hope everyone has a really gay weekend.

Wish me luck this week and check in on me from time to time. Alt rock makes me violent.

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Hi [BLANK] it’s me, [BLANK]

Do you struggle with understanding your true identity?

Do you find yourself both attracted to and completely disenchanted by almost everything you see?

Do most of the words that come out of your mouth sound like someone else’s words (I’m basically just Myles with boobs)?

Hi, I’m Jac, the nightmare behind Jacland and resident walking question mark. Are you tired of feeling like you’re on a never ending journey of trying to remember what you like just so you can compile it together to be a consistent identity?

You’ve come to the right blog. At Jacland, we teach you to embrace being basically nothing while still having to participate in a society demanding answers.

Through a careful process of revisiting all your old Yous, (yes, even your Goth phase. At least she knew who she was) we’ll add more to your identity and confusion, but also participate in fun activities until you die from exploding.

San Francisco is crazy. I think I love it too much. The weather is beautiful, the people are so nice, the food is delicious. I feel very different. I’m not going to go into how I feel because that requires vulnerability and I’m simply not willing to contribute to that kind of positive processing. Still, I know people change, I understand that we all kinda chameleon to be like our surroundings, but sometimes it’s super confusing. Myles asked what what I know for sure about myself and all I could say is that I’m happy being a woman (which I flip flopped on) and that I want a breast reduction. I don’t know anything else about myself. Now that I’m here, I feel like California barbie. I’m just this reproduction of my essence.

Now for a commercial about SF Jac. She’s soft, she’s sweet. She enjoys really delicious food (cause I guess she has a palate?), she loves closing her eyes and feeling the sun. She went on a date the second night she was in town and had a killer time and has a second date on Sunday.

We went a Burmese restaurant that changed me. Then we went to see a Brazilian trans soul singer perform with her INCREDIBLE band. They were so good and everyone in the crowd was Brazilian and they were all so happy to be together and I felt very fortunate to see it all.

Then my work told me I have two days off the entire rest of the time we’re here. And that took all the fun out of everything and now I’m sad.

Back to your regularly scheduled meltdown.

I fear that life moves so fast and we’re so swept up in it that the people we become are the people we’re made to be but we never really get a chance to be the person we wanted to be.

I’ve always wanted to be better about thinking before speaking. I get it from my father; we always go for the joke (he’s a lot better at it than I am). Though I think that’s just a cute little character trait of mine, there’s a time and a place and I’ve always wanted control over that action. I want to wield it rather than be wielded by it.

But life keeps moving and I’ve never given much time to actually figuring out how to assess if what I’m about to say is just really stupid or if it’ll hit home (I’m a solid 50/50). That’s an example. That’s not my project for the week lol. I can feel the wind as that hope and dream whooshes by me.

What I’m trying to say is, I’ve wanted to be a lot of things, and I really think I’ve only been a few of them. I’ve been A LOT of things, but not a lot of them are things I want to be. SO ARE YOU STILL FOLLOWING SHOULD I JUST HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH THE MIRROR?

I guess what I’m trying to say is right now, even though I’m sad to be in a new place and hardly get to enjoy it, it’s nice feeling like a different version of myself. What if I learn something brand new about me? What if this version is the forever version? What if just letting myself try to be this new thing gets me closer to the me I want to be?

Me, by Erik Fox, 2016

I’m so tired. It’s week one and I work six days in a row and so none of this makes sense and I keep forgetting what the blog is about. Definitely not this stuff. We’ll call this one a special program or something cause I guess it’s also based on a bad infomercial?

The Golden Girls takeaway here is that you don’t get a second chance to try all the things you’ve always wanted to do. For me that’s trying on personalities like shoes. Its going back through my journals and doing all the things I ever mentioned having an interest in. Maybe for you its learning an instrument or a language, or getting your nipples pierced or something weird like that (it doesn’t hurt as bad as everyone says).

Just do it™ and choose the people you want to be. Be ALL the things you’ve wanted. Don’t let you just happen.

That’s all for today, folks. I hope that you come back for our next session in which we basais;hasrihja;rliyaj (there is no next step I don’t know what to say).

Wish me luck and don’t worry if you feel confused about this whole post. It’s only natural.

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Revolve Girl

Hello friends. Brooklyn Pride was too much fun. Literally. I almost couldn’t sit up without vomiting on Sunday, but I really had a great time. I met so many amazing new people. Turns out 80% of everyone in New York have traveled the world, so when the word “Europe” is whispered in the shadows, people perk up like meerkats.

So many people were willing to give me advice, tell me where to stay, let me know where the cheapest beer and the nudest beaches are. Some people even offered to reach out to their friends for a place for me to stay. And no shit, I started French lessons yesterday from a darling of person who’s from France.

I love people. People are so fucking rad.

I spent most of the rest of my week conceptualizing the cooking show. The gist is that I’m a bad cook and I mostly just want to catalogue my journey from bad to good. I kinda think Hannah Hart already did it with My Drunk Kitchen (watch it) so will it ultimately become a show? I don’t know. It may not, don’t pressure me.

Listen, it’s not entirely worth talking about but Lil Jaci was a proud Revolve Girl. My Aunt Cheryl gave me a magazine for young Christian Girls that had ways to walk in the name of the lord while navigating youth. I wrote down all the lists they provided me. This is really where I first started making lists (if you didn’t know my creepy obsession with making lists of completely unattainable things to do is the base of this blog, welcome to the point. Doesn’t it feel like a cheap payoff?)

There are lists with Christian books, bands, things to do for Mom or Dad, things to do with siblings and for the community. It’s intense. And yes, I did just purchase 9 of the 10 Christian books on the list last week so I could just dig right in. Nom nom nom.

In my old age I’ve moved past the deep desire to read every word in a book from the first page to the last. Now, when I’m over it I’m over it. Which may not be the case for these! Maybe I’ll love reading Christian literature! ! ! ! Maybe!

Anyway that’s what I’m doing this week. Starting with Morgan Menzie’s Diary of an Anorexic Girl. Why was this on the list of Christian books for little girls? The actual reason, I will find out when I read it. I imagine it has something to do with how the unrealistic expectation of perfection is put upon little girls by everyone from their own family members to media presenting women as skinny, blonde and white. I had various issues with my image growing up causing me to do really scary things and it was all because I was once told skinnier women than me were more desirable.

It goes without saying, especially to the progressive audience we have here, that placing your own expectations of life and living inside a meat suit on other people is confusing, damaging and unrealistic. So, I dunno. Mind your own business?

So there’s that. I swear, if you’re really burning to hear more about Revolve, just call me. I’ll personally make you regret it in under 5 minutes.

I leave for SF on Tuesday. I’m staying in an apartment I could never afford that has a washer/dryer in the studio, a rooftop hangout and a gym. Am I excited to be sleeping on a mattress that isn’t on the floor? You bet your sweet buns I am.

Wish me luck this week and see me in San Francisco.

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