Tag: Oregon

My Own Person

SO. It turns out being your “own person,” and being true to me is super confusing when I’m back in my hometown.

From the Springfield Water Tower

It’s interesting that coding is easier than just living authentically. Being in uncomfortable or unfamiliar circumstances often finds me acting in a way that’s more catered to the situation over what I truly think and feel.

What I’d truly like for myself is to wake up and make decisions based on what’s best for me. I’d like to, instead of just being nice or friendly or agreeing or saying yes just to avoid having to explain why I’d do something contrary to that, behave in a way that is the best answer, the most authentic response and the most true to my goals and my values.

Alas.

If you’ve got ideas on how to undo the need to be polite, the need to agree, the need to give in to make other people feel better when you’re trying hard to grow into a new version of yourself, hit me up.

My brothers and I being uncomfortable

That being said, Oregon has been good. I’ve seen all the people I came to see, and I’ve seen people I didn’t think I’d get to see, and people I haven’t seen in half a decade. Being home is weird, and hard, but it’s both humbling and good for reflecting to be where I came from.

My nephew Logan as he was teaching me how to use my phone
My nephew Joshua after a day of melting stuff

And I go back to New York on Tuesday, which I’m also not prepared for.

My brain has moved on to Europe already, but I’ve still got a whole two months before I leave. I still have to get one last job, still have to pay two more months of rent, still have to live every day in the fall of New York before I leave. And it’s a daunting thought when everything I own is already packed up in Oregon.

Shrug. Bring it on New York. I’ve got a few more things to say before I go.

I liked this “be yourself” project because it made me deeply aware of how uncomfortable I am being myself. I think the people who like me (and of course this is generalizing and also hella projecting) like me because I’m always down. I’m down to get drunk, I’m down to stay out, I’m down for one more hit, I’m down to go to Taco Bell.

But, like, Imma be 30 soon. Like, real soon. And I don’t want to do that stuff anymore. I don’t really like being drunk, and hate being hungover. I hate eating like shit, and I hate not getting enough sleep. Of course the compromise is all the fun stuff I do like (weird times, mostly) but I’m noticing I have fun doing regular stuff that doesn’t involve cocaine or late nights or strangers or whatever makes for weird times.

So this week, I’m going to stop caring so much.

Don’t think any negative thoughts “That guy thinks I’m a loser.” “This test will be hard.” “I hate that teacher.”

I love that this project comes with examples…

In doing last week’s project, I talked to a few people about identity and what it meant to be authentic to yourself. The response I got the most was that it’s hard being true to yourself because we all spend so much time projecting what other people think of us.

My best pal Kaylee Wolf mentioned that we only believed people thought these things about us because somewhere inside ourselves, we’re worried that we are those things. She told a story she heard in a podcast about how we wouldn’t be worried that people think we’re a Lizard King, because we aren’t worried we’re a Lizard King.

But because I’m worried that my lifestyle and my decisions are irresponsible, then of course I think everyone else believes that about me too.

So here’s to a week of just getting out of other people’s heads, keeping in the positive, and getting back to some weird semblance of a normal life in New York.

Wish me luck and gimme some ideas on positivity.

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Unfinished Work

Last week I read Kevin Max of dc Talk’s book Unfinished Work.
If you’re anti-religion, maybe this isn’t for you. If you, like me, can take what matters to me and discard all the other information I don’t find valuable I say give it a shot.

From a refreshing perspective, Max says that to truly find belief in your morals, they need to be challenged. He says learning about the rest of the world and the people in it helps him to establish a firm foundation for his faith. “Let’s face it. The Christian life requires all the faith we can muster. To believe that a Man actually could walk on water and be raised from the dead is to believe in things that most people will try to laugh off and call fairy tales or myths.”

His perspective is perhaps the exact reason these projects are valuable to me. I forget that having an open mind allows me to challenge my beliefs and the bits of me I understand as identity. I also believe that creating that space for conversation without confrontation is how peace is created between opposing groups. Like, I may not hang with this dude, but I may high five him if we passed each other. Also have you ever listened to dc Talk? They’re dope.

It’s comforting to hear that people, even people who had successful careers, struggle with finding a space for themselves in the world. Max spends most of the book talking about being pigeonholed into the Christian music industry and then being forced to behave per everyone’s expectation of what a Christian music performer should behave like.

All the me’s I’ve tried

I’ve been told who I am for so much of my life that when I finally stood back and asked myself who I wanted to be, I had very few original ideas. I was so buried beneath being told I was pretty, being told I was irrational and irresponsible, being told I’m a woman that when I asked myself who I was I said, “I’m a pretty, irrational, irresponsible woman.” I only ever wanted to find a place where I felt like I belonged, and even then, as I went about my own personal discoveries, people would say I must be running from myself, rather than in pursuit of myself.

When the obsession revolved around my body

To hold your own destiny in your hands seems something impossible when the world around you wants you to be their favorite and perhaps most comfortable version of you.

The book was a quick read, relatable, though at times a little inflated. I say go for it if you need to feel okay about the world pushing back.

Separate note, I’m in OREGON!!!! It feels like I never left, yet somehow forget where I am at all times. Cam and Matt are getting married TODAY and I can’t wait.

When I thought “presenting gay” would make people take me seriously

I’m very happy to be home and out of New York for a time, but I will say, the dreaded time has come. Portland is no longer my home and it’s a hard pill to swallow.

It’s been nine months since I’ve been home, and so much has happened. It’s not as easy for me to come home and slip right back into things. Everyone here has moved on, I’ve moved on. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, and I think we’ve always known this could happen, but it stills feels weird.

It’s hard to be the person I was before so that I may be who people remember me being or to relate easier with people I love. It’s like putting on a shoe that’s too small. I’m sure it’s the same for everyone else.

Life is crazy and I’m happy to be here and in just a couple days I get to see my parents, my brothers, the babies. I’m very happy to be here, and happy to see the new versions of the people I love, and love sharing the new version of me. It’s how we round out our relationships, I suppose.

So for this week, I’m pulling from Bible Study Jac. She was an individual and always inspired by the “be yourself” pep talk at this age. She wanted to truly be inside herself, and I admire that about her.

“Be my own person. Don’t do things so I can be accepted. Or so I can hang out with or be like anyone else. Be me. Wear what I like, no matter what people think. Do what’s right. Don’t lie, gossip. Stand up for what I believe in. Get involved.”

Being authentic to myself, as mentioned above, hasn’t always come naturally to me in my adult life. I think exploring that, being thoughtful, truly being fearless, that all plays an important part in the life I’ve built for myself in New York, the relationships I want to continue to nurture back in Oregon, and the life I’ll take with me to Europe.

How do you keep in check with yourself? How do you keep yourself centered and your values ever present as you live each day? And how to do deal with your morals or your goals being challenged?

The only photo I have with Matt and Cam together she’s flipping me off and he’s not paying attention. So this is Cam and I on Father’s Day 2018 at Rockaway Beach.

Wish me luck this week and CONGRATS TO MATT AND CAM!!!!!

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