SO. It turns out being your “own person,” and being true to me is super confusing when I’m back in my hometown.
It’s interesting that coding is easier than just living authentically. Being in uncomfortable or unfamiliar circumstances often finds me acting in a way that’s more catered to the situation over what I truly think and feel.
What I’d truly like for myself is to wake up and make decisions based on what’s best for me. I’d like to, instead of just being nice or friendly or agreeing or saying yes just to avoid having to explain why I’d do something contrary to that, behave in a way that is the best answer, the most authentic response and the most true to my goals and my values.
Alas.
If you’ve got ideas on how to undo the need to be polite, the need to agree, the need to give in to make other people feel better when you’re trying hard to grow into a new version of yourself, hit me up.
That being said, Oregon has been good. I’ve seen all the people I came to see, and I’ve seen people I didn’t think I’d get to see, and people I haven’t seen in half a decade. Being home is weird, and hard, but it’s both humbling and good for reflecting to be where I came from.
And I go back to New York on Tuesday, which I’m also not prepared for.
My brain has moved on to Europe already, but I’ve still got a whole two months before I leave. I still have to get one last job, still have to pay two more months of rent, still have to live every day in the fall of New York before I leave. And it’s a daunting thought when everything I own is already packed up in Oregon.
Shrug. Bring it on New York. I’ve got a few more things to say before I go.
I liked this “be yourself” project because it made me deeply aware of how uncomfortable I am being myself. I think the people who like me (and of course this is generalizing and also hella projecting) like me because I’m always down. I’m down to get drunk, I’m down to stay out, I’m down for one more hit, I’m down to go to Taco Bell.
But, like, Imma be 30 soon. Like, real soon. And I don’t want to do that stuff anymore. I don’t really like being drunk, and hate being hungover. I hate eating like shit, and I hate not getting enough sleep. Of course the compromise is all the fun stuff I do like (weird times, mostly) but I’m noticing I have fun doing regular stuff that doesn’t involve cocaine or late nights or strangers or whatever makes for weird times.
So this week, I’m going to stop caring so much.
Don’t think any negative thoughts “That guy thinks I’m a loser.” “This test will be hard.” “I hate that teacher.”
I love that this project comes with examples…
In doing last week’s project, I talked to a few people about identity and what it meant to be authentic to yourself. The response I got the most was that it’s hard being true to yourself because we all spend so much time projecting what other people think of us.
My best pal Kaylee Wolf mentioned that we only believed people thought these things about us because somewhere inside ourselves, we’re worried that we are those things. She told a story she heard in a podcast about how we wouldn’t be worried that people think we’re a Lizard King, because we aren’t worried we’re a Lizard King.
But because I’m worried that my lifestyle and my decisions are irresponsible, then of course I think everyone else believes that about me too.
So here’s to a week of just getting out of other people’s heads, keeping in the positive, and getting back to some weird semblance of a normal life in New York.
Wish me luck and gimme some ideas on positivity.
JACLAND 