Tag: jacland

What if God Was One of Us?

I read Why So Many Gods? by Tim Baker and Kate Etue last week. I was initially pumped to read about things my small town education never presented to me, then read the first page in which they claim that Christianity is the one and only true religion.

So that put a damper on things, but honestly, the authors did a fine job of keeping their bias at bay except in a small reflection at the end of each chapter.

I learned about religions I’ve never heard of before (Bahá’i, sup?) and double checked the facts for some of the more prone to misinformation religions at the time of this writing (Taliban – which they actually gave the same info as Wiki).

I LEARNED A LOT HOLY SHIT. This was dope. I really enjoyed just flicking through some info I’d never really had in close comparison before. It’s interesting to see the variations and honestly how similar the beliefs are in what the end or main goal is. Would recommend this book if you can look past the weird moments where the authors express how Christianity is law over all the religions they’re teaching. They had some interesting contestants, for example, Magic the Gathering. Which many would be honored to have considered as a religion.

Reading about so many beliefs in such a condensed space kicks up a lot of thoughts on religion.

Some of them (Mormonism or Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, which this book classifies as a cults) have very specific guidelines and expectations. You have to ask if it’s manmade or someone truly believed that the Lord came to them to preach the truth.

And the reality is most of these religions (or cults or whatever you want to call them) are genuinely faith based. It’s hard to test someone’s faith if they truly, in their heart of hearts believe what they’ve seen/heard/felt.

Many of the religions think of the Christian God or the Christian Jesus as one person, or as two separate but equally insignificant people, or as guys who play a part but not the major role, etc. etc. Honestly, by the end of the book I was getting bored of hearing the slightest of variations between the religions. Y’all are talking about the same thing.

I love to not bring this up, because I love not arguing about things I genuinely have no stake in, but I believe it’s truth when a person is 100% behind their brand or faith. They genuinely believe what they believe, and it’s different than what other people genuinely believe. Everyone has their proof but that only matters if the proof is enough to convince the non-believers.

So is any of it real?

For those with a genuine faith, very much yes. For me and the others of us who don’t really care, I don’t really care.

Hannah Huth and I at a winter church camp, maybe 2007?

All things considered, I just like learning. I like being armed with information and this book provided that. Hella would recommend.

Ok, so last post I mentioned that my life is chaos on accident. Well, it turns out my lease is up a month before I thought it was. Of course my initial thought was “Son of bitch, I could’ve left for Europe a month early.” But since my ticket is non-refundable and I just accepted a job with NY Marathon through the first week of November, that’s a big “oh well.”

Now the thought is, “Son of bitch, I have to get rid of all my shit sooner than I thought and then homeless a month sooner than I anticipated.”

Whoopsie Chaos, is what I’ll be calling my life from now on.

So, I’m looking at starting my next and final job for New York Marathon, going to court because my previous, bratty employer doesn’t want to pay my unemployment, becoming homeless for a month, working the marathon, then floating through New York for two weeks before I leave the country for a year.

Needless to say, this week I’m going to practice something the sweet, sweet virginal Jac believed in.

April 11 [2005] 4:59am
“Smile a lot and don’t be grumpy.”

Which is kinda the exact opposite of me and my values. Also a lot of these reflection based projects are similar. That’s not lost on me. But it’s a great reminder every week to get out of my own ass.

It’ll do me some good to just stay positive, and keep my mind on the goal. I’m leaving for a year long travel in Europe in exactly one month and twenty days. That’s the goal.

So here’s to pretending I’m not one shoulder check away from killing someone.

Wish me luck and send me funny things to smile at this week.

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Not Entirely Positive

Ah, New York. My plane landed at 6:45am after I got a total of 15 minutes of sleep all night. It took three hours for me to get from Newark Airport to my house in Brooklyn and then I slept for two whole days.

This week I focused on avoiding negative thoughts. Any time I reminded myself of this project, I overpowered my goal of positive thinking with all the stressful things in my life. I’m unemployed, I’m unprepared for a massive trip I’m taking reeeeaallllyyy soon etc etc. It seems when you try to think about having positive thoughts all you think about is how you should be focusing on the things that bring negativity into your life.

I had a similar feeling when my Uncle John passed. I was so upset and it was wreaking havoc in my life, but I felt like I needed to be upset. I wanted to be upset because that meant I was thinking about him, and if I didn’t think about him he’d go away.

The reality is he was already gone, and my problems won’t be fixed by laboring over them in bed at 1am.

It has also shown me that I’m not entirely great at taking compliments. Somewhere inside of me I feel shame for the life I live. I’m nowhere, in that deep, dark thought. I have nothing and I am nothing. So when someone tells me they’re proud of me, or inspired by me, or excited for me, I make some weird comment on how things will probably blow up. (This article induced these reflections).

(Side bar – I came home to a letter from my first NY employer taking me to court because they don’t want to pay my unemployment… so.)

This is all to say that we’re in this beautifully annoying age of self care, where positivity is a weapon and it’s used to fight self doubt, societal pressure, used to pave the path for all the hard work we do to follow our dreams. It’s up against debt and financial woes, the ever-growing complications of intimate relationships and communication, the reality that dreams don’t pay bills but corporate jobs do and aging which actually hurts.

Sometimes it feels impossible to juggle the mere responsibility of being alive and participating in the US and also tell ourselves we’re okay and beautiful and capable of love.

However, when has a negative thought done anything other than fan the flames of your problems? Is it not the most uncomfortable feeling to be unhappy? I’ll admit I’m one of many people who feed off of depression at times, getting a creative fuel from it. But the nagging disappointment of one’s own life is not inspiring in the least and tends to feel more like pressure. It’s gross. It’s a gross feeling. Like when you’re too hot but can’t take off layers so you just have to stew in your sweat (it’s still really hot in NY so this is just an immediate feeling for me).

So I still believe in positive thinking. I don’t know that I truly believe that positive thinking will bring you all your fame and fortune (because I’ve been coasting off that belief forever, but it turns out believing you’ll succeed doesn’t actually do the hard work of succeeding) but it will certainly ease the discomfort.

Here‘s another cute article as a final thought on that.

This week will be a whirlwind. I’m getting all my doc appointments out of the way (is it a broken rib? Is it Tietze? Stay tuned, I’m getting an x-ray. My money is still on swollen organ). I was also brought on for New York Marathon and that gig starts next Monday. It goes from then until the week after the event (Nov. 3rd) which will leave me just a week or two out from Europe.

There’s a lot of prep to be done, but in the meantime I just finished a (bad) book and so this week’s project is one I’m actually pretty interested in.

Cost me $3 on Thriftbooks, the holy mecca of cheap reads

Tim Baker and Kate Etue wrote a book called Why So Many Gods? and it’s pretty much a 2000s rundown of a select bunch of religions. I’m pretty sure both authors are Christians, so we’ll see how this pans out. It’s actually really hard to find anything on Tim Baker, because as you can imagine, everyone and their dog is named Tim Baker (Tim Barker, for the latter…).

I’m curious to see how factual this information is and possibly learn a little about other religions. I’ve spoken a lot about my relationships with Christianity but I honestly know very little about other religions. Such is growing up white in America. Here’s to being accountable for the information we fill ourselves with (and here’s to filling myself with potentially biased information).

Well, wish me luck this week and give me deets on the religion you practice, one you’re interested in learning about, or your experience with religions. OR READ THE BOOK WITH ME. I’m so alone.

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My Own Person

SO. It turns out being your “own person,” and being true to me is super confusing when I’m back in my hometown.

From the Springfield Water Tower

It’s interesting that coding is easier than just living authentically. Being in uncomfortable or unfamiliar circumstances often finds me acting in a way that’s more catered to the situation over what I truly think and feel.

What I’d truly like for myself is to wake up and make decisions based on what’s best for me. I’d like to, instead of just being nice or friendly or agreeing or saying yes just to avoid having to explain why I’d do something contrary to that, behave in a way that is the best answer, the most authentic response and the most true to my goals and my values.

Alas.

If you’ve got ideas on how to undo the need to be polite, the need to agree, the need to give in to make other people feel better when you’re trying hard to grow into a new version of yourself, hit me up.

My brothers and I being uncomfortable

That being said, Oregon has been good. I’ve seen all the people I came to see, and I’ve seen people I didn’t think I’d get to see, and people I haven’t seen in half a decade. Being home is weird, and hard, but it’s both humbling and good for reflecting to be where I came from.

My nephew Logan as he was teaching me how to use my phone
My nephew Joshua after a day of melting stuff

And I go back to New York on Tuesday, which I’m also not prepared for.

My brain has moved on to Europe already, but I’ve still got a whole two months before I leave. I still have to get one last job, still have to pay two more months of rent, still have to live every day in the fall of New York before I leave. And it’s a daunting thought when everything I own is already packed up in Oregon.

Shrug. Bring it on New York. I’ve got a few more things to say before I go.

I liked this “be yourself” project because it made me deeply aware of how uncomfortable I am being myself. I think the people who like me (and of course this is generalizing and also hella projecting) like me because I’m always down. I’m down to get drunk, I’m down to stay out, I’m down for one more hit, I’m down to go to Taco Bell.

But, like, Imma be 30 soon. Like, real soon. And I don’t want to do that stuff anymore. I don’t really like being drunk, and hate being hungover. I hate eating like shit, and I hate not getting enough sleep. Of course the compromise is all the fun stuff I do like (weird times, mostly) but I’m noticing I have fun doing regular stuff that doesn’t involve cocaine or late nights or strangers or whatever makes for weird times.

So this week, I’m going to stop caring so much.

Don’t think any negative thoughts “That guy thinks I’m a loser.” “This test will be hard.” “I hate that teacher.”

I love that this project comes with examples…

In doing last week’s project, I talked to a few people about identity and what it meant to be authentic to yourself. The response I got the most was that it’s hard being true to yourself because we all spend so much time projecting what other people think of us.

My best pal Kaylee Wolf mentioned that we only believed people thought these things about us because somewhere inside ourselves, we’re worried that we are those things. She told a story she heard in a podcast about how we wouldn’t be worried that people think we’re a Lizard King, because we aren’t worried we’re a Lizard King.

But because I’m worried that my lifestyle and my decisions are irresponsible, then of course I think everyone else believes that about me too.

So here’s to a week of just getting out of other people’s heads, keeping in the positive, and getting back to some weird semblance of a normal life in New York.

Wish me luck and gimme some ideas on positivity.

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Unfinished Work

Last week I read Kevin Max of dc Talk’s book Unfinished Work.
If you’re anti-religion, maybe this isn’t for you. If you, like me, can take what matters to me and discard all the other information I don’t find valuable I say give it a shot.

From a refreshing perspective, Max says that to truly find belief in your morals, they need to be challenged. He says learning about the rest of the world and the people in it helps him to establish a firm foundation for his faith. “Let’s face it. The Christian life requires all the faith we can muster. To believe that a Man actually could walk on water and be raised from the dead is to believe in things that most people will try to laugh off and call fairy tales or myths.”

His perspective is perhaps the exact reason these projects are valuable to me. I forget that having an open mind allows me to challenge my beliefs and the bits of me I understand as identity. I also believe that creating that space for conversation without confrontation is how peace is created between opposing groups. Like, I may not hang with this dude, but I may high five him if we passed each other. Also have you ever listened to dc Talk? They’re dope.

It’s comforting to hear that people, even people who had successful careers, struggle with finding a space for themselves in the world. Max spends most of the book talking about being pigeonholed into the Christian music industry and then being forced to behave per everyone’s expectation of what a Christian music performer should behave like.

All the me’s I’ve tried

I’ve been told who I am for so much of my life that when I finally stood back and asked myself who I wanted to be, I had very few original ideas. I was so buried beneath being told I was pretty, being told I was irrational and irresponsible, being told I’m a woman that when I asked myself who I was I said, “I’m a pretty, irrational, irresponsible woman.” I only ever wanted to find a place where I felt like I belonged, and even then, as I went about my own personal discoveries, people would say I must be running from myself, rather than in pursuit of myself.

When the obsession revolved around my body

To hold your own destiny in your hands seems something impossible when the world around you wants you to be their favorite and perhaps most comfortable version of you.

The book was a quick read, relatable, though at times a little inflated. I say go for it if you need to feel okay about the world pushing back.

Separate note, I’m in OREGON!!!! It feels like I never left, yet somehow forget where I am at all times. Cam and Matt are getting married TODAY and I can’t wait.

When I thought “presenting gay” would make people take me seriously

I’m very happy to be home and out of New York for a time, but I will say, the dreaded time has come. Portland is no longer my home and it’s a hard pill to swallow.

It’s been nine months since I’ve been home, and so much has happened. It’s not as easy for me to come home and slip right back into things. Everyone here has moved on, I’ve moved on. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, and I think we’ve always known this could happen, but it stills feels weird.

It’s hard to be the person I was before so that I may be who people remember me being or to relate easier with people I love. It’s like putting on a shoe that’s too small. I’m sure it’s the same for everyone else.

Life is crazy and I’m happy to be here and in just a couple days I get to see my parents, my brothers, the babies. I’m very happy to be here, and happy to see the new versions of the people I love, and love sharing the new version of me. It’s how we round out our relationships, I suppose.

So for this week, I’m pulling from Bible Study Jac. She was an individual and always inspired by the “be yourself” pep talk at this age. She wanted to truly be inside herself, and I admire that about her.

“Be my own person. Don’t do things so I can be accepted. Or so I can hang out with or be like anyone else. Be me. Wear what I like, no matter what people think. Do what’s right. Don’t lie, gossip. Stand up for what I believe in. Get involved.”

Being authentic to myself, as mentioned above, hasn’t always come naturally to me in my adult life. I think exploring that, being thoughtful, truly being fearless, that all plays an important part in the life I’ve built for myself in New York, the relationships I want to continue to nurture back in Oregon, and the life I’ll take with me to Europe.

How do you keep in check with yourself? How do you keep yourself centered and your values ever present as you live each day? And how to do deal with your morals or your goals being challenged?

The only photo I have with Matt and Cam together she’s flipping me off and he’s not paying attention. So this is Cam and I on Father’s Day 2018 at Rockaway Beach.

Wish me luck this week and CONGRATS TO MATT AND CAM!!!!!

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Ooh Ahh

Album reviews are weird cause I would literally never listen to GRITS on my own. But I guess that’s why I’m doing this, and honestly I can get down to Art of Translation.

The fourth album from GRITS got mostly good reviews, won a Dove award and the song “Ooo Ahhh” went gold, so they did alright.

The first two songs, as previously mentioned, were very popular and displayed around in the mainstream. From there, the songs vary from headache inducing sound-wall songs, to bops about the Christian classic, getting married so they can hook up.

Over all, it’s groovy though. I’ll be listening to the album and notice I’m dancing along even if the lyrics are “Do you understand the ill coined phrase, gospel rapper.”

They don’t have music videos, but “Ooh Ahh” was in Tokyo Drift.

Christian music is so interesting. It’s so specific, and Christian hip hop even more so, that done in an approachable way, like this album, it’s kind of accessible to everyone.

Some dude name Dan Leroy wrote a review on AllMusic saying “Yet, great as the album sounds, nothing on it is more remarkable than the sound of two conscious and gifted MCs responding to hip-hop thuggery with marriage and Jesus, instead of a hopeless ‘reality’ or revolutionary tripe.”

I make fun of things like this a lot, because I was raised a) to make fun of things, and b) in the church and then later fell out of faith. Reality, though, it’s not as common in the mainstream to rap about respect, trust and honesty.

Overall, I won’t put it on rotation but if you’re dabbling in religion and you need a way in, take this one. It’s comfortable and respectable while still feeling you up.

Do you have thoughts on Christian music? Is it possible for the genre to bleed over into mainstream and interest the non-believer?

ANYWAY.
On Tuesday I’m flying to Oregon for a two week break from NYC/farewell before Europe. My first NY roommates Cam and Matt are getting married, and my best friend Katy and her charming darling Steve are getting married. So it’s going to be a love-filled trip, and I can’t wait to be in homeland territory.

I’m also going to read the longest book on my list (per flying 6 hours west) Unfinished Work by Kevin Max of DC Talk.

As far as I can tell, the book is about trying to discover your place in the world, your profession and still be a good person (whilst coincidentally walking in the path of Christ).

I have very little faith (in general and) in the book, but let’s do it. I guess I decided this is what I want all my free time to be, so here I am owning up to all my (bad) ideas.

Also (and definitely more fun) my love Molly and I are having a Golden Girls themed sleepover, so if you’ve got ideas on how to help us get in the mood, send them right my way.

Wish me luck and SEE YOU IN OREGON.

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Fuuuuuuuuuuuu

(Find throughout this post all the Fucks I’ve given over 63 volumes).

(the artistic fuq)

It’s crazy how attached to swearing I am. Sometimes I felt like my point wouldn’t be made if I didn’t throw an “f” word in there, or it wouldn’t sound like me if I said “holy smokes.” Turns out I rely heavily on my abrasive personality to get me through life.

(to the backdrop of Garfield)

I will say as the week continued I became more and more aware of the language I was using. I would purse my lips to say the “b” word, and then stop myself. Or I’d actually say “aw man, that’s shitty” and hear the word a little louder than maybe I previously had.

I talked with a few different friends about the use of curse words and some of them didn’t even notice how much I swore until I was trying not to. We tried to come up with alternatives, but nothing really feels as satisfying as that hard F.

(The classic scribble fuck)

The best I thing we came up with was Shuck Knuckle. Haven’t used it in context and honestly wouldn’t know how.

(The desperate shitfuck)

As I get older and more aware of myself and the person I think I’d like to be, I think it’s useful to be more aware of the person I am, and this has certainly given me perspective.

Yay growth.

A few weeks ago I mentioned I was going to study the GRITS. album Art of Translation and never brought it back up cause I didn’t get around to it.

Well I’m getting around to it this week. If you like gospel rap originating from Tennessee, then you like really specific things and should 1000% check out GRITS. The first two songs were pretty popular. “Here We Go” and “Ooh Ahhh (My Life Be Like)” played around church to make sermons cool for the young kids and even played on KDUK, the local young people radio station in Springfield and Eugene, Oregon.

I’ve dabbled with the rest of the album a couple times and it’s definitely better than other albums I’ve listened to for JACLAND.

Was anyone a fan back in the early 2000s? Did we go to church together and just never put two and two together? Let me know if you have tidbits or memories of Art of Translation and I’ll let you know if I could choke it down for a whole week.

Wish me luck and tell me all the embarrassing things you did as a young Christian (I shit my bathing suit at church camp, so really nothing is off limits here). (Also the use of the “s” word here is valid. I pooped my bathing suit makes me feel like a Spongebob character). Also also, not that it matters but this is not even a fourth of the fucks I’ve displayed over the years, as one can imagine.

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Notes on Health

Last Week I was sick. It took a minute, but I’m better and have a few thoughts on the process Tiny Jac thought would cure me.

-Orange Juice:
Super high in sugar. Even the fresh stuff. Also, I think the orange juice thing was a myth sold to us from Minute Maid. Cause there are a ton of things with more vitamin c than oranges.

In one cup of homemade fresh orange juice per MyFitnessPal

-Organics:
As a rule, organics are purchased to avoid the weird chemicals they put in GMOs and pesticides they spray on foods (honestly current articles are not 100% for organic right now). They’re also infinitely more expensive because they have a tendency to go bad quicker. So, Tiny Jac lived at home and her money was basically free. She could buy organics. Now she’s unemployed and eats the vegetables they keep outside of the market that are constantly sprayed with New York exhausted and street slush. I’m talking 3 peaches for $1 that literally cough when you pick them up.

-Gargle with salt water:
This is the thing my mom made me do as a kid that only comes second in importance to rubbing Vicks vapor rub on my chest. It makes me gag, I hate it, I didn’t do it, I still got better.

Dec. 2018

-Stay clean:
Wtf does that even mean?

Anyway, I’m doing better and don’t trust Tiny Jac’s advice about health. She was delirious most of the time and as mentioned last week, a self proclaimed “druggy.”

This week…. sigh.

Raise your hand if you know me personally…

Ok so this week…

Wow, I’m having a hard time saying it.

I’m giving up swearing.

No more fucks, son of a bitch’s, god dammits, shiiiiiiiiit’s. Like, I’m going to have to figure out how to describe things. I’m learning French but finding actual descriptive words without cursing is going to be harder.

…It’s only one week.

God, Tiny Jac was such a Christian. She was just making real life friends in high school and was in constant fear that she was moving too far away from the path of Christ. Swearing was a contributor.

She grew up to know seven words total and five of them are curse words (the other two are please and thanks. I’m not a monster).

It’s fine, I don’t need to talk this week.

Ok…. starting… now.

Wish me luck and really REALLY don’t piss me off this week (is piss a curse word?)

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On Being Joyful

Last week JACLAND took on the task of being “joyful always.” And just as I suspected, “always” is the hard part.

I wrote about it more here. Being joyful isn’t easy, especially in this world we’ve created both internally and externally.

My quick suggestions are as follows:
#1. Journal. Write your thoughts down. Sometimes it helps you work things out, but for me it’s nice being able to look back and see how far I’ve come. See that though times get hard, I bounce back.

#2. I suggest reading The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. His concept of using impeccable speech is valuable in our own self talk. Our thoughts about ourselves are negative, so we don’t value the thoughts we have that are positive.

#3. A good book for unlearning negative thoughts is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris (I suggest the illustrated version). He observes negative self talk in a different light. Perhaps we can hear the negative thoughts, but we don’t need to accept them.

I enjoyed researching this, and the practice of some of these behaviors has been really positive. I could talk forever about it.

But I won’t, cause I’m sick.

One moment I was eating pancakes, the next my throat swelled up and my sinuses clogged.

Fortunately for me, Tiny Jac was sick all the time (she had mono in this volume) so she was Down with the Sickness, if I may. She had routines, tricks and tips to avoid relapse when her immune system had regressed to that of a baby.

“All the stickers I’ve gotten from my recent visits to the doctor”

In the span of eight weeks I had been through mono, pharyngitis, laryngitis, multiple sinus infections and then this:

6-6-06 (didn’t see the correlation at the time) 8:35am
“I have pneumonia. Well, the doctor said so but she said she’d send the results to radiologist & see if they think different. But now I’m taking pills (only 3) again. New this time is they’re having me sniff and inhale drugs. Yeah it’s sweet. I’m pretty shore I’m a druggy. I’ve taken 5 different kinds of pills, syrup, and I’m sniffing & inhaling. My body is going to be so dependent. I need a new journal soon.”

Lol. Well just a few days before, she thought she had a pretty good plan:

May 31st, 2006
“Help the process of getting better:
-Vitamins
-Orange juice
-Go to bed @ 9:30 (NO EXCEPTIONS)
-Eat 3 meals a day
-Don’t go anywhere big (doesn’t include getting (not staying at) coffee/bubble tea. Go to the store and get what you went for. If hanging out w/ppl, hang out at home)
-gargle w/salt water
-organics
-veggies
-naps, sleep
-If too tired, don’t do it!
-Stay clean”

To all the people I’ve dated who can’t handle my bedtime, sorry if it saved my life once. Sorry if I took “NO EXCEPTIONS” super literally.

I’m gonna take really good care of myself this week, and also chug NyQuil and sleep forever until one day the sun shines again.

Wish me luck and send me stories of how you stay positive when your entire face is leaking.

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Oh Joy

I DID IT.
I finally finished the Damsel story (currently called The Plum Wizard). I wrapped it up and sent a query to an agent. So there. There’s that. You can read it here.

Guess what’s not easy?
Knitting. Knitting is not easy, and everyones knows it.

I didn’t consider that I wouldn’t be a natural at this. Which is vain as hell, but has also gotten me jobs I didn’t qualify for in the past.

Anyway, what I made is a thing. It’s definitely not a scarf, but it is 100% a thing. You know what people don’t tell you about knitting? It kinda hurts your body. It’s repetitive motion in weird kinked positions. I’m sore. I’ve been doing yoga to uncripple my hands and shoulders.

If anyone can figure out how to wear this monstrosity, it’s my mom.

I know somewhere down the line I wrote about wanting to properly learn to knit. But that is not now, so bye bye crippled neck. See ya frozen fingers.

Ok, I feel bad about saying this but I’m hella over Good Girl Volume Two. Yes there’s value in a lot of the projects I’ve done and many that I will do, but (I vaguely remember this happening in Volume One?) they’re boring. So I’m going to knock a few out at a time when possible.

Which leads me to GRITS The Art of Translation. I threw this album on yesterday and was surprised that I knew some of the songs. The group was pretty popular when I was growing up, and they’re pretty good. Thank God, ya know?

Also this week I’ll be working on a Revolve Beauty Secret. Just for a frame of reference, the following are words I would use to describe myself:
-Indifferent
-Bored
-Moody
-Quirky
-Curious
-Cute

The Revolve Beauty secret #1 is “Be joyful always.”

Honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever been considered “joyful”. It just doesn’t sounds like me. I don’t even like things that are considered joyful (except babies but I like them cause they’re dumb and tiny). I do see value in this, though I think “always” is a little unrealistic. But I will make a week long attempt at being joyful always or whatever.

Unemployment has found me sitting in my bed a lot this time around. If you were with me during my last unemployment gap I was thriving.

I pretty much just ate during my last gap of unemployment. Also banana puddingomgomg

Now that it’s crunch time for Europe, and I can’t afford to spend money/go without work I feel the pressure (also it’s so hot and humid in NYC right now. It’s impossible to be outside, I miss you Spring).

I could use a little joy, or at least use my efforts to discover what it takes to be joyful. If you have any suggestions, notes, articles on joyfulness please send them my way! I’ve just figured out how to make a “Contact” button, so use it.

Speaking of things to figure out, the blog needs an update and I’m not super savvy.

Oh, you are??? Omg that’s crazy. Lemme by you a drink to help me work on making this look cuter. Thanks for offering.

Anyway, wish me luck this week and lemme know your top tips on living joyfully.

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“9. Knit her a scarf”

Hi there. Thanks for being here. It makes doing this every week less of a massive waste of time.

We’re neck deep in Volume Two when Tiny Jac was a very hopeful Christian.

Sometimes I read through this Volume and can’t even remember being this person. I can’t remember truly having a relationship with God, and I can’t really remember why all of it made sense at the time.

Tiny Jac would soon struggle with her faith. It would be a losing battle, as we all know, but it was painful at the time. She thought, because it was how she was raised, that she would know 100% there was a God at some point. And it never came. And all the things that made people believe in God started to seem more and more unreasonable. She fought like hell (for seven volumes) to find God in her heart and then she finally realized she was alone in there. She finally realized it was time to start saving herself.

(She did a damn fine job, btw).

Reading through The Rules: Ten To Live By by Mark Nicholas has been an interesting and low-key upsetting journey. Sometimes, the way God is spoken about, he sounds like an abuser, and it stresses me out. If you’re looking for an intro into Christianity, this ain’t it.

If you’re not familiar with the 10 Commandments, they’re supposed to revolve around creating good people. However, this guy choose to exclusively use examples from the Bible where God looks like a dick, and then backs these quotes with examples that don’t make him look like less of a dick.

For example, the book opens by saying the Lord is a jealous God. Is jealously not a sin? “God is jealous of any worship that is not directed to who He truly is.” He then quotes the bible: “If you hate me, I will punish your children, and even your grandchildren and great-grandchildren.” The explanation here doesn’t make the concept of our God less of a whiny little brat, and jealousy less of a sin.

He goes on to speak about homosexuality as if it’s an affliction. “I have friends who have wrestled with this sin and found what I believe is complete healing in the arms of a merciful God.” He believes that we should still respect and love people despite their struggle with homosexuality.

In case you’re wondering if I’m biased.

So, hey… I’m not gonna lash out. I’ve done that a lot lately and I’m v tired. There are many a Christian-homo who worship God and who have yet to see his mighty wrath. Turn on the news… some of these “God-fearing” Christians are behaving like monsters, shaming homosexuals, people of color, women who have chosen to have abortions as if they are God and get to do the condemning.

Maybe consider that homosexuals, even Christian homosexuals aren’t struggling. They are who they are, they also love God and those people have an open communication with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

He mentions that murder is murder unless it’s war because it’s the government that must answer to God. We, as humble servants of God, must help our government make good decisions about war. “If you believe our government isn’t handling matters of life and death in accordance with God’s rules, speak and let you voice be heard.”

So, let’s just say if lil Timmy gets drafted to fight for his country and is like “but I don’t want to” it’s treason. So he goes to war and then gets killed – I’m talkin, a faceless person who’s wielding a gun from a 100 yards away, shoots him in the head and he dies right then and there and it’s not murder. Because it’s war. Which is toooootttallllyyyy fine when the war is created by politicians who must answer to God. And are often punished with bad press.

Thanks for your sacrifice, Timmy. The death of your body, hopes, dreams and total presence on this planet was not wasted at all.

I dunno, y’all. Religion is a hard one for me. It asks a lot of it’s followers and one of those asks is to just take all the smoke and mirrors without questioning why, all because they’ve monopolized the word “faith” and then worship a dude who (according to this book) blames Adam’s blasphemy on Eve because she offered him the apple and he took it.

It’s 2019, ya know! I’m a strong, queer woman, it’s hard to just take this shit at face value!

I will say that the reason I made lists like this all throughout my journals and my life was to continuously challenge the way I think about and see things. So, back to Tiny Jac and her Christianity, I’m glad she had a thing, and I’m heartbroken that she was heartbroken when it didn’t resonate with her.

Honestly, she’ll have a million other things that ultimately don’t resonate with her, so maybe God’s plan was to set me up for a life of being curious and never giving up.

Thanks God!

There’s, like, 8 more books on this Christian reading list…

BUT THIS WEEK! I want to do nothing religion. It’s making me unkind.

This week I’m fully unemployed, and you know what that means. So much New York exploration. The next (insert amount of time before I get a job) will be filled with some of the following; the Sisyphus Stones, Vinegar Hill, Cobble Hill, museums and parks galore.

I’m also going to take a note from the Dungeon Master of knitting, Kaylee Wolf, and learn to knit. I’m going home to Oregon in September, and I intend to have a scarf all knit together for my mom as a going away present. Cause I’m going away, remember? Europe?

There’s no way I did all the rest of this stuff

From Revolve, one of the lists is “Top 10 Ways to Show Mom I love Her.” Knit her a scarf is one of two remaining projects (the other is make her breakfast in bed which has been impossible my whole life because she basically naps for 30 minutes and is awake for 23 1/2 hours a day).

So ‘hook’ it up with some advice, some plans or whatever the word is for recipes to knit, and follow me on IG where I’ll be showing my progress @jac_land_.

Wish me luck this week and be nice because it’s nice to be nice.

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