Tag: jacland

Hi Honey

I’m home.

I left SF at 11am, and arrived home in New York at 1am. You’re correct in thinking that math doesn’t add up. Blame it on the summer storms I saw from the sky, both terrifying and super dope.

I haven’t had time to be excited that I’m home yet, but I can say I have massive stress relief knowing the event is over.

I will, of course, regret saying this in a week when I’m unemployed again, but at the moment, it feels good knowing nothing really intense and all consuming is in my immediate future (jk hi Europe).

I enjoyed AIDS Walk San Francisco much, much more than New York. Mostly because I had the actual opportunity to enjoy it. Way less people, the set up is all in one area, and I got to see the legendary Thelma Houston perform It’s Raining Men. Yeah.

This isn’t to say it didn’t almost break me. It wasn’t many years ago that I could work on film sets for hours upon hours and recover just fine. Now, it’s impossible. I haven’t even begun the recovery process. The event was five days ago and last night I slept 12 hours.

I wish I could say I spent this week really working on holding back any complaints. But I can’t even pin point a moment where I stopped myself, or even thought about stopping myself from complaining.

So let’s just start over and pretend I never previously attempted to quit complaining okay?

This week I’m going to work on watching my mouth. That’s right you lucky suckers, I’m going to go a whole week without complaining and see if it clears up my complexion.

Ugh.

I’m in New York until Sept. 10th and then I fly home to Oregon for two weeks. My first NY roommate and lifemate Cam Jordan is about to become Cam MacDonald (cause for some reason I put her fiance’s name is my phone as Matt MacDonald. That’s not his last name). Also my best friend Katy is getting married to everyone’s favorite dreamboat Steve. I’m very excited, and also sad. It’ll be the last time I see my friends and family until I come home from Europe.

Sidebar on Europe for a second (this could get ugly):

Most of the people who read this blog know me personally. So I get why people have lashed out at me for being irresponsible for going to Europe in this capacity. Yes, it’s very me to uproot my whole entire life and future to frivolously wander an unknown land for a year based off of an initially bad acid trip…

Yes I make impulse decisions and often times without any thought process whatsoever.

Here’s some perspective: I decided to do this trip in December of last year. As of this post, that’s over seven months ago. I have to ask; do you really think I just decided to go to Europe for a year seven months ago and haven’t done any research?

I regret that I’ve made a name for myself by making whimsical decisions, but please, don’t take my ability to try new things with or without fear as stupidity. Besides, seven months is a long time to have this massive trip coming up and not research the cute shit I’m going to do while I’m away.

So yes, I have looked into visas (or lack there of in my case), I’ve looked into travel insurance, banking, taxes, immunizations, I have a plan for when I get back to the U.S…. I’ve done my homework, I’m not a twat, mind your own business.

If you’ve traveled for a year in Europe specifically, I would LOVE to sit down and chat. If you’ve traveled for a year around the world, three months in Europe, a few weeks or on a fam vacay, please please tell me your favorite places, any etiquette advice I can get, and trips and tricks with currency. If you had a student visa, a working visa or a spouse/family tie please tell me everything you know about relevant regions and the people, food and culture. If none of this is you, don’t tell me how to travel Europe for a year. It’s different.

Also, I’m not afraid. If it doesn’t work out, if I didn’t do enough research about something that wound up being way more important than I thought, if I don’t like it, I’ll come back to America. Or I’ll get fined. Or I’ll be put in a foreign jail. That’s life, and it’s my life. I’m not afraid of that shit. I’m afraid of not doing things I want to do because other people tell me I can’t. I’m afraid of living my life to fuel other people’s dreams, I’m afraid of dying and thinking I was the reason I didn’t follow my heart.

I will not be the first person to pull this off. Not even close. I’m going to be fine, and yes, a lot of this will be figuring it out on the fly, but I was a waitress for eight years, moved myself to New York on a whim, changed my college major three times and I’m taking French lessons. I’ll be fine. I’m Jaclyn On-The-Fly MacDonald. No thanks for your concern.

I am always looking for info. Always happy to learn. If your intention is to tell me how much you know and that what I’m doing isn’t going to work, that’s actually not info. Keep your fears to yourself, they make me uncomfortable.

Now that this tangent is (far from) over, I’m just going to listen to another album this week, lol.

If you missed it, I was a Revolve Girl. I had a magazine for young Christian girls that had lists of books to read and music to listen to in order to keep us wholesome or some shit.

For now I’m skipping over Top 10 Way to Have Fun with Friends, Top 10 Ways to Show Your Mom You Love Her, Ways to Have Fun on a Date, Top 10 Ways to Have Fun With Your Dad, Make a Difference, and the completely scratched out 10 Things to Pray For.

This week, from 10 Christian CDs, I’ll be listening to Lift by Audio Adrenaline. UGHHHHHHH. I didn’t think this journal/blog project would be easy, but I didn’t think it would be Christian music that threatened to burn it all down.

Audio Adrenaline was what the cool guys and even some pastors listened to at church. It wasn’t my style then, it’s not my style now. This album is from 2001 and the lead singer’s vocals trigger a gag reflex. It’s the gravel in his voice. It scratches me the wrong way.

Anyway, there’s that. And I really really will stop complaining. Starting….

Now.

Wish me luck and give me some constructive advice for my trip.

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“Hey Shut Up”

More Killers lyrics. They were everywhere in this volume. Which leads me to my week with Switchfoot’s album A Beautiful Letdown. I won’t make any title related puns, but know that I want to as it’s very relevant.

I actually knew a lot of the songs on this album. Unsurprisingly. I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s when Christian rock was disguised as popular radio music, and Hoobastank was covered by church bands.

It’s just very pop-y at times, it’s that hard American rock I hate so much at times. And you just know it’s Christian music. Which honestly isn’t a negative in some settings. I think both Emery and Underoath were considered Christian bands at one point and I love both of them. It’s just the kind of Christian music you would hear at a church where they want to seem hip.

Their biggest influence is U2, and if you’ve ever gotten me into a conversation about U2, you know I have strong feelings against them. I can’t help it. It’s just not my jam.

Also relevant to the Killers lyrics I titled this post after, I’m taking on the project of shutting up this week.

That’s right, all you lucky suckers. I’m going to take a week off of complaining and see if my complexion clears up. I know complaining is poisonous. I know it’s not good for you. And, like wine, when overdone it makes people very annoying.

I’ve been complaining a lot this month because I’m totally out of my element and I’m stretching a lot, and though I’m often rather good with change, this change has gone against the grain a little. Which is fine, because I get my normal life back in just a week and a half (I miss you, New York. I’m sorry I ever thought California was the place for me. I know now that when the times comes for me to return back to the US after Europe, I’ll return to you, sweet, stinky New York. Nothing Compares 2U).

I, as many do, know that life is a play dough mix of wild happenstance and bullshit and the best thing you can do is turn your muddled brown blob into a beautiful sculpture of human shit. So that’s what I’ll do this week. Turn my blob into art shit.

Pride was kooky. I waited in line for the bathroom for literally 45 minutes to open a door to a completely full outhouse toilet. I’ve never seen that before, and dear god I hope I never ever do again. It was almost the scariest thing that has happened in my life, and I’ve had shingles twice, was caught up in a drive by shooting, and got my ass kicked by a roommate.

I worked on fourth of July and then Daniele and I went back to that Burmese restaurant I loved so much. It’s definitely my favorite restaurant ever. I’ll be dreaming of that tea leaf salad forever.

If you remember AIDS Walk New York, we go pretty hard for, like, 12 straight days through the event. That starts this Sunday and the Walk is next Sunday. Then I fly back the following Wednesday and finish my week in the New York office. Home! And then a glorious three day weekend (hopefully).

So, I guess I’m trying to say, Myles, rally the troops. We’re beaching HARD that weekend.

Wish me luck and make me pay you a nickel every time I complain this week (though the street goes both ways). Also sorry there are no pictures. Nothing seemed all that relevant. Uh, here:

Kelly Walls, Stacey Cummings and me, church camp somewhere. Ft. little boy shirt
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“The Killerz Somebody told me”

Feb 25 05
“Breakin my back just to know your name. 17 tracks and I’ve had it with this game. Im breakin my back just to know your name. But heaven ain’t close in a place like this. Anything goes but dont think you might miss. Cuz heaven aint close in a place like this I said a heaven a close in a place like this. Bring it back down bring it back down tonight (Hoo hooooo) Never thought I

Am I allowed to just take pictures from the internet?

Chorus Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February
of last year Its now confidential, I’ve got potential. Ready lets roll on to something new takin its toll & Im leavin with out you Cu heaven aint close in a place like this I said heaven aint close in a place like this. Bring it back down bring it back down tonight (hoohoooo) Never thought I

in modern life.

Chorus
Rushin a rushin around. ? Pace yourself for me. I said maybe baby please. But I just dont know now. Weh All I wannt do is try

Chorus
Rushin a rushin around now

Chorus
Rushin a rushin around

Chorus
Rushin a rushin around”

Did you skip most of it because you know where it’s all going? Yeah, I do that every time I open Volume Two. Cause this is exactly how it’s written on the first two pages. I clearly didn’t know all the words, which is actually kindof adorable.

I write more Killers lyrics throughout my journal. The page directly after this has a little corner piece that says “I got soul but I’m not a soldier.” I mean I remember liking them, but I don’t remember being a band member…

Another album I was really into at this time in my life was Reliant K’s “Two Lefts Don’t Make a Right.” For the obvious reason that it’s awesome.

A lot my church friends were listening to that album, but it was also already on my list. Being a devout Revolve Girl, I had a whole list of Christian albums that I never got around to because shortly after, I got into hardcore music and smoking cigarettes and lying.

So, if you hadn’t already figured it out, that’s what I’m doing this week. I have quite the selection; Sixpence None the Richer, MercyMe, GRITS, Audio Adrenaline. But I think, because life is mostly terrible, I’m going to start with Switchfoot.

That’s right. My arch nemesis, alt rock. Wikipedia describes them as American Hard Rock, which literally makes my skin crawl. You all remember “Dare You to Move.” It’s the song you heard on KDUK when you were waiting outside a Dari Mart for your friend to come out with those waxy Lil Debbie snacks. Ah, white trash memories.

Anyway, there’s that. Also, I forgot to mention I read Diary of an Anorexic Girl. It got pretty mixed reviews, but honestly it was a hard book to read. Her slow decline into dangerous behavior is so subtle and casual it’s hard not to draw comparisons to times when I self harmed for what I thought were totally normal reasons. It’s definitely triggering, so don’t read it if you’re happy. Just in general. I wrote a longer piece about it here if you’re dying to know more.

I also went and saw Hamilton on stage at not-Broadway (whatever it’s called in SF. Theatre? People were really dressed up, unlike in NYC). Yes, the Hamilton that rocked Broadway and every high school black box lunch conversation for the last whatever whatever years.

If you don’t know anything about it (I didn’t) it’s the historical telling of Alexander Hamilton’s participation at the inception of America. The reason it’s shaken theatre is because it’s done through mostly rap. History told through rap battles.

I spent the first thirty minutes of the show convincing myself that it’s okay to be the only person on the planet who didn’t like the show. But once we got through all the learning of each character and setting the scene, the style of the music, the tone of the show felt so much more powerful. It was emotional, intense, beautiful. They do a rewind scene that actually rocked me. Bullets were characters, the rhythmic dialogue made for really funny conversation or really painful, hard conversation.

Damn.

DAMN. People were crying, people were cheering on during rap battles, people were hooting and hollering for the singers who tore themselves apart for these roles. Damn. See it. Pay the million dollars to see it. Money well spent/I hate theatre I want to watch it again and again but I’m too poor.

Finally, follow my Instagram. I’ll be doing cool shit all weekend and I’d hate for you to be the person who gets called on in class but didn’t do the reading. San Francisco Pride is upon us. I work a rooftop event and then the AIDS Walk booth at the festival.

So I hope everyone has a really gay weekend.

Wish me luck this week and check in on me from time to time. Alt rock makes me violent.

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Hi [BLANK] it’s me, [BLANK]

Do you struggle with understanding your true identity?

Do you find yourself both attracted to and completely disenchanted by almost everything you see?

Do most of the words that come out of your mouth sound like someone else’s words (I’m basically just Myles with boobs)?

Hi, I’m Jac, the nightmare behind Jacland and resident walking question mark. Are you tired of feeling like you’re on a never ending journey of trying to remember what you like just so you can compile it together to be a consistent identity?

You’ve come to the right blog. At Jacland, we teach you to embrace being basically nothing while still having to participate in a society demanding answers.

Through a careful process of revisiting all your old Yous, (yes, even your Goth phase. At least she knew who she was) we’ll add more to your identity and confusion, but also participate in fun activities until you die from exploding.

San Francisco is crazy. I think I love it too much. The weather is beautiful, the people are so nice, the food is delicious. I feel very different. I’m not going to go into how I feel because that requires vulnerability and I’m simply not willing to contribute to that kind of positive processing. Still, I know people change, I understand that we all kinda chameleon to be like our surroundings, but sometimes it’s super confusing. Myles asked what what I know for sure about myself and all I could say is that I’m happy being a woman (which I flip flopped on) and that I want a breast reduction. I don’t know anything else about myself. Now that I’m here, I feel like California barbie. I’m just this reproduction of my essence.

Now for a commercial about SF Jac. She’s soft, she’s sweet. She enjoys really delicious food (cause I guess she has a palate?), she loves closing her eyes and feeling the sun. She went on a date the second night she was in town and had a killer time and has a second date on Sunday.

We went a Burmese restaurant that changed me. Then we went to see a Brazilian trans soul singer perform with her INCREDIBLE band. They were so good and everyone in the crowd was Brazilian and they were all so happy to be together and I felt very fortunate to see it all.

Then my work told me I have two days off the entire rest of the time we’re here. And that took all the fun out of everything and now I’m sad.

Back to your regularly scheduled meltdown.

I fear that life moves so fast and we’re so swept up in it that the people we become are the people we’re made to be but we never really get a chance to be the person we wanted to be.

I’ve always wanted to be better about thinking before speaking. I get it from my father; we always go for the joke (he’s a lot better at it than I am). Though I think that’s just a cute little character trait of mine, there’s a time and a place and I’ve always wanted control over that action. I want to wield it rather than be wielded by it.

But life keeps moving and I’ve never given much time to actually figuring out how to assess if what I’m about to say is just really stupid or if it’ll hit home (I’m a solid 50/50). That’s an example. That’s not my project for the week lol. I can feel the wind as that hope and dream whooshes by me.

What I’m trying to say is, I’ve wanted to be a lot of things, and I really think I’ve only been a few of them. I’ve been A LOT of things, but not a lot of them are things I want to be. SO ARE YOU STILL FOLLOWING SHOULD I JUST HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH THE MIRROR?

I guess what I’m trying to say is right now, even though I’m sad to be in a new place and hardly get to enjoy it, it’s nice feeling like a different version of myself. What if I learn something brand new about me? What if this version is the forever version? What if just letting myself try to be this new thing gets me closer to the me I want to be?

Me, by Erik Fox, 2016

I’m so tired. It’s week one and I work six days in a row and so none of this makes sense and I keep forgetting what the blog is about. Definitely not this stuff. We’ll call this one a special program or something cause I guess it’s also based on a bad infomercial?

The Golden Girls takeaway here is that you don’t get a second chance to try all the things you’ve always wanted to do. For me that’s trying on personalities like shoes. Its going back through my journals and doing all the things I ever mentioned having an interest in. Maybe for you its learning an instrument or a language, or getting your nipples pierced or something weird like that (it doesn’t hurt as bad as everyone says).

Just do it™ and choose the people you want to be. Be ALL the things you’ve wanted. Don’t let you just happen.

That’s all for today, folks. I hope that you come back for our next session in which we basais;hasrihja;rliyaj (there is no next step I don’t know what to say).

Wish me luck and don’t worry if you feel confused about this whole post. It’s only natural.

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Revolve Girl

Hello friends. Brooklyn Pride was too much fun. Literally. I almost couldn’t sit up without vomiting on Sunday, but I really had a great time. I met so many amazing new people. Turns out 80% of everyone in New York have traveled the world, so when the word “Europe” is whispered in the shadows, people perk up like meerkats.

So many people were willing to give me advice, tell me where to stay, let me know where the cheapest beer and the nudest beaches are. Some people even offered to reach out to their friends for a place for me to stay. And no shit, I started French lessons yesterday from a darling of person who’s from France.

I love people. People are so fucking rad.

I spent most of the rest of my week conceptualizing the cooking show. The gist is that I’m a bad cook and I mostly just want to catalogue my journey from bad to good. I kinda think Hannah Hart already did it with My Drunk Kitchen (watch it) so will it ultimately become a show? I don’t know. It may not, don’t pressure me.

Listen, it’s not entirely worth talking about but Lil Jaci was a proud Revolve Girl. My Aunt Cheryl gave me a magazine for young Christian Girls that had ways to walk in the name of the lord while navigating youth. I wrote down all the lists they provided me. This is really where I first started making lists (if you didn’t know my creepy obsession with making lists of completely unattainable things to do is the base of this blog, welcome to the point. Doesn’t it feel like a cheap payoff?)

There are lists with Christian books, bands, things to do for Mom or Dad, things to do with siblings and for the community. It’s intense. And yes, I did just purchase 9 of the 10 Christian books on the list last week so I could just dig right in. Nom nom nom.

In my old age I’ve moved past the deep desire to read every word in a book from the first page to the last. Now, when I’m over it I’m over it. Which may not be the case for these! Maybe I’ll love reading Christian literature! ! ! ! Maybe!

Anyway that’s what I’m doing this week. Starting with Morgan Menzie’s Diary of an Anorexic Girl. Why was this on the list of Christian books for little girls? The actual reason, I will find out when I read it. I imagine it has something to do with how the unrealistic expectation of perfection is put upon little girls by everyone from their own family members to media presenting women as skinny, blonde and white. I had various issues with my image growing up causing me to do really scary things and it was all because I was once told skinnier women than me were more desirable.

It goes without saying, especially to the progressive audience we have here, that placing your own expectations of life and living inside a meat suit on other people is confusing, damaging and unrealistic. So, I dunno. Mind your own business?

So there’s that. I swear, if you’re really burning to hear more about Revolve, just call me. I’ll personally make you regret it in under 5 minutes.

I leave for SF on Tuesday. I’m staying in an apartment I could never afford that has a washer/dryer in the studio, a rooftop hangout and a gym. Am I excited to be sleeping on a mattress that isn’t on the floor? You bet your sweet buns I am.

Wish me luck this week and see me in San Francisco.

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The Only Thing to Fear is Fear Himself

I didn’t say it last week but HAPPY PRIDE MONTH. I’m happy to be a big ol’ queer and I’m proud of every one of the gay, lesbian, trans, bi, questioning, non binary, asexual, intersexual, pan folks and people inside, outside or around gender and sexual fluidity. Also straight people, you’re cool too. I know some cool straights.

This was a major blah week. I did very little outside of my house and work.

Until I leave for San Francisco I’ve vowed to not spend money (Europe won’t pay for itself) and treat my health with the utmost respect (cause short term goals work better for me. I like knowing I can have cake in two weeks). I’ve also vowed to take care of all the shit I’ve let pile up over the last few months. Bills, health ins, sewing buttons back. You know, the pile you leave somewhere in plain sight and look over it every day.

So to entertain myself as I did menial tasks, I had on background flicks. I watched Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield. Funny, slightly outdated and not the only movie I watched where the babely love interest was way out of his league.

I also watched Paris, Texas which is a beautifully shot film and directed by the legendary Wim Wenders. The late Harry Dean Stanton is the main role and he’s fantastic like always. I’ve been obsessed with this movie since college, the first time I saw this scene.

On the list is Kingpin which isn’t talked about enough. Vintage Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray. It’s funny, it’s interesting, just sexist and misogynistic enough that I want to believe it was a parody of the way women are treated (but then, the way women are treated is a kind of parody of the way women are treated). Watch it.

Another flick I watched was the classic Wayne’s World. If you haven’t seen it, you don’t deserve to. Or rather you’re “not worthy.” This would be the second of the week where the absolute mega babe of a love interest is way out of his league. THIS IS A CLASSIC. Pretty much flawless.

For the second time, I watched the only-needs-to-be-seen-once Ice Pirates. It’s a film you should only watch when you’re drunk with friends. There’s a sex scene to the backdrop of a video wall showing beach scenes and computer activated indoor rainfall in a movie specifically about the lack of water in the universe. But ultimate babe Vanessa Huston in her 20s plays the only badass chick on board.

Finally, I watched Freddy vs. Jason. Did I need to? No. Was it worth it? No. However, I had a classic post-horror flick moment that I recalled Lil Jaci having in Volume Two.

Feb 28 [2005] 4:56a

“I cant sleep. Watch a scarey movie & I cant sleep. Fell asleep at 11:00p and woke up at 2:55a. I’ve just been laying here watching thats so Raven, Seinfeld & playing with my cell phone. We (Celeste’s family & I) were watching “Saw” at Celestes house & I didnt like it so I pretended that my mom was calling and I went into the other room & called her and she came & got me. I wish I wouldve just told Celeste the truth & said that I was scared and was gonna go home but I was too imbarrised. So now I sit here with terrible images in my mind and going sleepless because I had too much pride to tell the truth. Well it was bad judgement in the 1st place to watch the movie because I know that I have a bad reaction to movies like that. Lord forgive me for lying to Celeste. Amen.”

Boy. I feel like there’s a lot to unpack there that I’ll save for a therapist, but the reason I bring this up is because the other night after watching Freddy vs. Jason I woke up in the middle of the night TERRIFIED that someone was standing over me. I literally couldn’t reach my light fast enough and knocked over all the shit on my nightstand, swatting at the air.

Obvi I was alone (forever) but I was so creeped out I couldn’t go back to sleep. I turned on my tv to fall asleep with some background noise but of course all I could think about was Freddy fricken Krueger and being killed in my sleep. Man, the in between of awake and asleep is a dark fuckin place. So Lil Jaci knew it and it’s just been so long since I’ve seen a horror movie I must’ve forgotten… I just don’t do well with scary movies. Amen.

Anyway, this weekend is Brooklyn Pride. So Imma do that. And also not spend money, choose to eat healthy and exercise and make dentist and doctor check up appointments because nothing is fun anymore.

Wish me luck and send puppy pictures to brighten me up this week.

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The One Where Jac Takes On Too Much

Nashville. What can I say? It was hot. Really hot.

But I enjoyed seeing the Nashville Renaissance Faire. It was so much like the Oregon Country Fair and FaerieWorlds that I wasn’t shocked but I did get to see a dude launched off his horse in a jousting match. So that’s cool.

Downtown was like Times Square for Bachelorette parties. Kid Rock-style. Naturally, I was in and out in under 20 minutes. Seen it, got it, check, bye.

The magic of the Opryland Hotel

Cousin Elias took me to Opryland Hotel which was probably my favorite part of it all. It was the Wonka Factory and Jurassic Park mixed together. Beautiful plants and a stream with a boat you can ride. It was beautiful. You’ll get more when I eventually go back and stay there.

Back in New York now and I went and saw Gary on Broadway. Which is HUGE considering our Lord and Savior Nathan Lane plays the title role. He was amazing, the cast was amazing, the show was wild. 3 people, no set changes and a hysterical hour and half. Lots of dicks. Like, a lot. Maybe 30 dicks with an equal amount of dick jokes. Maybe don’t bring the kids. The set is literally just a pile of corpses. One of them pees in Nathan Lane’s mouth. So.

Follow me on JACLAND to see more of my daily adventures. I’ll be posting things like the shows and my explorations there from now on unless a juicy story is involved.

Photo Credit: Julieta Cervantes

The more I get into my past desires, the more they pile up in the Now. As mentioned before I’ll be moving to SF for a month come mid-June to go hard on AIDS Walk San Francisco. So, in an effort to actually honor Lil Jaci’s cast-aside interests I’m going to slow down to make sure I’m not skimming over projects I’ve been skimming over my whole life.

For now that doesn’t mean anything other than I’ll focus on the projects I’m working on before I take any new ones on. If you have a problem with that take it up with management.

I’ll also be posting more to the Insta account, so be sure to follow me there. This is all really to alleviate these long-ass blogs posts.

Slowing down also allows me to explore the things I’m already doing. For example, I’m in the early-earlys of throwing my bad cooking into Insta video content. I’ll be doing short videos for Instagram to catalogue just how bad it gets when I cook. I’ll need victims, ahem, I mean friends to come test my cooking for each video so if you want to come to my crypt I’ll 50/50 feed or poison you for free.

Party.

So another big… BIG project mostly unrelated to JACLAND but also will come up is my trip to Europe.

The details are that I have a one way ticket to Barcelona on November 24th and have planned to be at it for a year. I should said “planned” for a year. Cause coming up with different identities I want to assume for each country isn’t substantial planning. But it’s important.

Imagine me next to each little blue dot. Hi.

I did acid, as one does, and had an epiphany that I HAD to go to Europe for a year. What’s more ridiculous, is that I’ve been planning it, saving and researching for six months and will 100% be following through on a drug trip vision.

I know. Classic me. It’s actually alarming how incapable of not being me I am.

I have over 30 locations written on a list called “Go to Europe.” Some of them I can’t really remember why they’re on the list, and they’re kind of weird places (looking at you Gelterkinden). But I love being surprised (to anyone listening and wondering what to do for my birthday). Maybe I’ll fall in love with Gelterkinden.

How am I going to pull it off, you ask? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you have past itineraries, tips or friends that I could crash with/work for please help a psycho out. Also hey I’m a professional at asking for money now so what’s up, Europe for a year has gotta be expensive (Venmo @Jaclyn-MacDonald).

Moving along. I’ve got a lot to cover here.

Health. Woof. Not only did I not even attempt to start eating healthy last week, I went hard on Auntie Maryanne’s homemade mac and cheese, with the added cream cheese factor (omg my mouth started watering when I wrote that).

With my Uncle’s tragedy barely out of my center of focus, it’s time to face facts: MacDonald’s are fighting an uphill health battle. We’re all unhealthy as a foundation from which we build. And I’ve used abuse as the bricks. I drink too much, I eat too much, I rarely exercise and I feel it more now than ever the seriousness of taking care of one’s own health.

Dear Reader, that’s where you come in. I don’t know that I’d take myself seriously if I didn’t hold myself accountable publicly. I need your help. How does one take care of oneself? Where do I start?? Help me out, do it with me. Let’s start a health club where everyone’s just generally gloomy. Health doesn’t have to mean you turn into a protein powder meat head. You can still be a little black raincloud. I mean, if not, I’ll never get healthy. I don’t do anything high-key.

Ok. Talk to me this week. Health, Europe, Venmo. Follow JACLAND for all the doing and having fun which is bound to happen. I live in New York! It’s everywhere!

Wish me luck and don’t forget that being moody is cool.

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HI I’M TIRED.

Like, really tired.

Anyway, on Friday night I got a tattoo. I’m so pumped about it. It just makes me want my sleeve now now now. Which will happen, but every time I plan a tattoo I notice I have less and less space for it. So it’ll be bittersweet when I’m all done up. For now I’ll just enjoy what I’ve got.

Ft. my faded-ass snake

I worked 12+ hours a day this week and I feel ill and v v sleepy, but in two days the walk is upon us. Please donate. It’s actually a good cause and even just $15 is helpful and we’re accepting donations all the way through June 6th.

Team Hyacinth is behind in funds raised, but we’re not giving up. Today we’re at Fatto Americano all day collecting donations and eating pizza. The establishment has agreed to donate 10% of all sales to Team Hyacinth from 11am to 2am tomorrow. So if you’re in New Brunswick and you’re hungry, eat for a good cause. Plus I’ll be there and pizza is my favorite and it’ll almost be like I’m not working even though I’m working so I might be in a good mood.

I’ve started a new Instagram account for JACLAND per the advice from my life guru Page Neal. From her advice I’ll also being making changes to the format of the blog little by little. Once AIDS Walk is over I’ll be able to pick up a new hard hitting project to re-energize the new changes coming my way. Speaking of which, I’ve been hired to work for AIDS Walk San Francisco in July. So I’m not done being annoyingdonate.

I dunno the specifics yet but for at least a couple weeks I’ll be working from SF. Yay having a job!

I won’t have time for much else this week. It’s back to regular work hours on Monday, thank God but also help me. After work on Thursday I fly to Nashville to see Cousin Elias. More on that when it’s happening, yeah?

So wish me luck this week and DONATE TO MY PAGE, COME ONNNNN.

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VOLUME TWO

Hi There. I’m Jac, a 29 year old thirteen year old with big dreams. I’ve kept journals my whole life and amidst these journals are notes I left myself, advice to make my life better, things to try that always interested me. The time has finally come for me to turn the notes into action and fulfill all my dreams. And here’s a snapshot of who Volume One’s Tiny Jac turned out to be:

v drunk, don’t talk to me

If you’re just getting here, welcome. There’s very little point to this blog. Enjoy. If you’ve been a loyal reader this whole time (mom), thank you, I’m sorry, thank you. My dad once said he wants to read my blog but I use the F word too much. So, there’s that.

Volume One took me to REALLY cool places. I went to some museums, to a tiny tiny island off the Bronx. I tried prayer and didn’t click with it. I’m trying cooking and not clicking with it. Life is wild, and I want to learn everything, do everything and have fun.

As I get into Volume Two, I will be bringing with me the wisdom (projects) I’m still interested in from Volume One. Meeting people, opening up, not worrying. Going, doing and having fun. Giving up shit talking (adding no shit talking to/about myself… I’m kinda mean to Inside Jac sometimes), learning everything (starting with cooking), helping people (starting with AIDS Walk – donate to the cause!). I’m learning about UV and infrared and writing a book. Yes, I’m tired.

I’d like to introduce you to Lil Jaci of Volume Two. This journal (like a few others because I’m a resourceful bitch) was used first in 2005. Then I skip four or so months and start in March 2006, where I left off from Volume One. I open the journal with lyrics to the Killers song “Somebody Told Me.” I dunno…

Out on an excursion for the first time in two months post mono

The first half was used as a bible study journal. So heads up, I get real religious for a sec. The second half of the journal Danny, the first boy I held hands with for a long time, and I are breaking up and getting back together and breaking up. I meet Zack Weiss who has become one of those friends I don’t see for years and then we take a road trip across the country together. I get mono which leads to a million other illnesses and consumes the second half of the book.

*Delicately reaches for the shit puddle.*

My parents were always strict with me growing up. I’m there only daughter, and at the time I was brewing to grow up and be the person I am now. Which means I hated being told what to do, I always wanted freedom, and had a deep desire to make snap decisions on a whim… But I was (am) a good kid. Always concerned about doing what was right, always trying to be the best version of myself. I was a little good, a little evil. Like clowns. I was a clown.

She dressed like a character in a Tim Burton movie back then.

The process of covering all the projects in this volume will take a little longer. There are 100 things to do. This is the first journal where I draw boxes that eventually get checked off.

Over the next few months you’ll see me doing some of the following: reading loads of bible verses, giving up cursing (DAD YOU CAN COME IN NOW), giving up complaining, getting into poetry, listening to Miles Davis (thank. god), going roller skating on a date and making my mom breakfast in bed (Skype breakfast, of course). There’s also a note to save $5000 for a trip to Italy, which we’ll get into later. I might even finally tackle eating healthy and exercising. Or I’ll quit the blog. Stay tuned.

Because the AIDS Walk is coming up quickly and tomorrow is my last day off until Memorial Day, I’ll be doing an easy one first.

No shit, one of the things in this journal is to organize a group to raise money for charity. I’m so pumped to cross this one off because my current profession is to organize many many groups to raise money for AIDS services. Woop! If you’re in New York or New Jersey and you want to walk with us, please email me (jaclynm@aidswalk.net). The event itself is amazing, 10,000 people walk with us through Central Park and Upper West Side. Margaret Cho is going to be there, drag queens from Ru Paul’s Drag Race will be there, cast members from Orange is the New Black will be there. It’s going to be a hoot.

If you want to support us but don’t live here, can’t make it or hate crowds (Hi, I see you, you’re valid) you can sign up to be a virtual walker! You create an account and then have access to a portal that you can promote to your friends, coworkers and family and ask them to donate to you. Alternately, you can donate to me! I’m a part of the Hyacinth AIDS Foundation Team. Not only am I personally fundraising for the team’s efforts, I’m their representative in their partnership with the host of the event, GMHC (NY’s premier AIDS Services establishment). My personal, individual goal is to raise the team $300 dollars. My professional goal as a rep is to raise a minimum of $200,000 for the Foundation overall. It’s a small number. GMHC’s goal this year is $5,000,000.

So, like, help me make my loose change goal of $200k. My pals Eric Champion and Molly Adair donated already. Thanks friends! Who’s next??? $15 donations or more are greatly appreciated!

For all of you who are only here because you’re so anxious for me to talk about infrared and UV, the wait is over. I understand it, and it’s boring. Not boring in an informational way. Existence is insane. Colors have temperatures, and non-colors (INVISIBLE COLORS, see also UV and infrared) also have temperatures. And the things we see on a daily basis are pretty much made up of temperatures that absorb or transmit wavelengths producing the colors we see. The actual facts are fascinating (and not as simple as the Crayola version I boiled it down to which is only mostly accurate). I just mean it’s boring as a topic in a theme-less blog. No one came here for this.

I got my cook on this week. Uncle John’s pancakes. I don’t actually know his recipe but I pulled one from the internet. It required real milk and I used almond cause who still drinks animal milk? Like, ew. It’s 2019, let’s move on. Sure, I eat things with milk in them, and probably a few times in the last 10 years I’ve purchased milk for a recipe, but we have alternatives now. You’re an adult. Stop drinking from the teet. The pancakes were great, Myles loved them. I have no idea if the lemon had anything to do with it, but I’m keepin it. I made a kale salad, which isn’t cooking and is also disappointing to eat. I made a burrito bowl with too many vegetables and not enough of the good things (I’m realizing now that I only like pancakes).

Speaking of making snap decisions, grief is wild and I bought a ticket to go see my Cousin Elias in Nashville from May 24th to May 27th. Super normal, nothing weird or irrational about it. I’ve never been, so it’ll be cool to see my third brother and hang in Nashville for Memorial Day weekend.

I went and saw The Prom on Broadway. It was cute, the dancing was insane (like, I think we should check on some of those kids) and the people were crazy talented.

My boss: “Let’s see Prom. It’s about two lesbia–” Me: “Yes.”

This coming week will be insane. It’s pre-Walk week. Long days, lots of work. I only have Saturday off this weekend, then work through to the weekend of Memorial Day when I promptly fly to Nashville. (It’s fine, make decisions and stick with them, it’s fine, I’m fine).

If no one reads this blog, at least I have peace of mind at the end of the week when I feel like I don’t do enough. No wonder I’m always cranky.

Next week I’ll be shifting the blog a little. I’m taking on a lot of projects at once, and in an effort to make them all worth it and have their own space, I’ll be fulfilling the project elsewhere and linking it here. I’ll talk for days if I’m not stopped, and these posts are long as is, but the actual information is being lost in my (poor) effort to be concise. Anyway, don’t go anywhere, I’m trying to make you more comfortable.

Wish me luck and donate this week.

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Princess Skullface Sings

Howdy.

This week heavily compensated me for the rude bitch it was last week. My one year anniversary in New York was on the 10th. Woop. Whimsy is my biggest strength and New York is my best example. I basically slipped on a banana peel and ended up in NYC. So, that’s cute.

My parents came to visit a couple months after I got here. My mom is so cuuuuute.

Also this week I cracked into a brand new journal, Volume 60. The big 6-0. My journals can retire in a few short volumes (they won’t though, cause they love working and wouldn’t know what to do with all the free time). Stellar news, my pal Yancy’s surgery went well and the tumor isn’t cancerous. Double woop! Lastly, it’s pretty legit to say now that Jeff Bryson, the friend who helped me with the outline of the Damsel story, has agreed to do the art! Brb, updating my fb status to “In a Relationship.”

Last episode I mentioned how Tiny Jac was upset at herself for talking about her friends in a bible study. So, in an attempt to ease her sweet, innocent little mind I decided to not talk negatively about people for one week. Turns out I’m much more of a shit talker than I thought I was. I caught myself taking my frustrations out by complaining about the people I believed to be causing my frustrations. Let’s just all get this straight; I’m only ever frustrated at myself, I just have a tendency to make it seem like it’s because of someone else. Sure, sometimes living, working or existing with people is hard. But also sometimes a casual solution is communication.

For Tiny Jac’s case, she thought she was gossiping because she was saying personal things about her friends to people who were in a better place than said friends. In that case, is it gossip or is it the act of putting forth positive energy against other peoples’ seemingly negative situations? Is it fair to be the one standing above someone saying their situation is negative simply because I deem it? Was it gossip because Tiny Me left feeling guilty?

I will say, being aware of how you behave is never a negative and because of this I’m going to keep chipping away at this project. I even prefaced gossip this week (“ok, so you know how I’m not supposed to be shit talking, well I’m hella going to shit talk right now.” – me, verbatim all week long).

This also leads to prayer, which I think I’m going to back burner for now. I only say that because I spent this week continuing my vapid genie wish list of all the things I wish I did better. Then I talked to my parents, who are both Christians, about prayer and how hard it was for me. My dad talked about how it was about a relationship with God but I think what really struck me was that before I got off the phone with them, my mom said “You know, Honey, we pray for you every day.” (Which I 100% need every day, my life is a nightmare). And that’s when I kinda realized prayer isn’t about wishing. It’s about acknowledgment. It’s about bringing people to your mind, holding them there and hoping good for them.

So, I think I got it. And it turned the second half of my week around. But I also know that it’s going to come back up in later journals (I get heavy into Christianity through Volume 7). It may find me at a time where it feels like less pressure to pull my whole universe together to find the things I care about other than myself. I’m really, very selfish. Taking pointers for how to get out of my own ass.

The go, do, have fun of the week led me to dancing. I went to the cute queer party called Hot Rabbit. I casually got sick from the food I ate before I went out, but I started to feel it right after I pretend ate an imaginary ball as a dance move. Still, Hot Rabbit was worth dropping by. I spend a lot of time in male dominant settings so it was really refreshing to be around a bunch of queers. I haven’t mentioned this much, but I tell people I’m a lesbian because it’s easier than begging them to follow me on the whimsical tour of my identity. The truth is I’m queer. I have no identity other than that, I have no idea what I want or who I am. It’s not new, according to Volume One:

1/1/06 12:40pm

“I am one girl who doesn’t know what she wants.”

Hi, hello. Fast forward thirteen years and I have the same haircut. It’s me.

I deal more in just living how I want until something catches me. It’s not an efficient way to live, but it is a way to live. So being in a space full of people who identify and express themselves in ways I’ve never even considered makes me feel like maybe I haven’t found myself because I haven’t been to all the places I might hang out. I’m crazy for queers who don’t identify, for body hair, for feminine men for masculine women. I’m crazy for people who look and feel and act like everything all mixed up into one and aren’t asking for permission. And sometimes, existing in the straight world makes me forget. So thanks Hot Rabbit. A dance party and a vehicle for self reflection.

I finally hit up Albertine, the French Bookstore I mentioned a while back. So worth it. What I didn’t know was that it was inside of a restored mansion. Seriously, it’s called the Payne Whitney House and it’s amazing. You walk into a gorgeous, empty, marble covered entrance adorned with busts and full body statues. One gated off viewing room is the favorite and preserved room of the late Helen Hay Whitney and is gold with a harp and beautiful furniture. Then you walk back to a French bookstore. Mostly in French but a few English language, French origin books. They have quite the variety and when you go upstairs you see what makes the store famous. Actually pretty reminiscent of the mosaic at the Museum at Eldridge, this ceiling was painted a swirl of blue and yellow with planets, stars and constellations. It’s very magical.

The adventures of this week may lead me to find a variety of temporary tattoos. I have a fantasy that all the creative, artistic friends (which I’ve only a few of at the moment) come to my house (in my fantasy it’s the Payne Whitney House) and we have a party where everyone puts temp tattoos on each other. You’re invited.

I’m also going back to the music scene of 2006. The same Audrey Jordan mentioned Neon Blonde, which I want to say was more popular than Test Icicles and was considered in the realm of a band we listened to called The Blood Brothers. One of their songs is called Princess Skullface Sings. So it could really go both ways. Or lend a creepy name to the book. If you’ve listened to their only album or saw them live or have an anecdote I can use hit me up.

When does music you loved as a kid (2006 Jac like Sugarcult) become the music you’re embarrased of? Or, when and why do you grow out of it? Cause I’m 100% not still listening to My Chemical Romance (though Umbrella Academy was dope, so I’m still on the Gerard train).

Wish me me luck and listen to Neon Blonde.

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